Today is not starting out as a great day. My husband and I seem to play this tug of war. Yesterday we had a short, but bitter fight over support issues. He complained that I didn't support him or sympathize with his pain about our son's diagnosis. I pointed out that he hadn't been supportive to me, and that the way he had treated me had hurt me deeply and that I was therefore having difficulty being supportive to him because I was still hurt. Well, that of course just lead to worse arguments. It always ends the same: I am selfish, self-centered, and everything revolves around me; my feelings are innacurate, wrong, and invalid; and I'm a bad wife. He, of course, is free from any blame.
Still, this morning, I tried to make myself available to him and be nice, figuring that at least one of us should take the higher road. Well, this is where the tug of war comes in. Because now he is angry and he is punishing me with the silent treatment and disregard.
So, my thoughts of being nice slip away and I go back to the "fine, I'll just do everything myself and pretend you don't exist--which is the way you like it anyway; than you can be an absent member of this family." Of course when I do do this, then he accuses me of using him only for his paycheck. Well, what the hell? You can't have it both ways!
When it all comes down to it, though, I think about if I got what I "really wanted." What if we both suddenly forgave each other and became supportive of each other and became a family? Is that what I truly want? The odd thing is, no, I don't think so. At this point, I just want out. I want my freedom. A better person may be able to forgive and forget--but I am not that person I am finding. I hold grudges. I just want out.
And yet I have to find a way to hang in there for the next three or four years until my son's disability is a more well-defined and the future path clearer. By then they should both be in school and I will be able to work full-time and strike out on my own with the kids. THAT is what I want.
...sigh... So do I take the higher road and be nice? Or do I go back to screw-you-i-can-do-this-without-you/i'll-show-you mode? Neither one seems to ever last. In the end we go back to this tension-filled co-existance that has peaks and values where neither of us feels great.
The odd thing is, I don't think he has any clue at all how truly, very unhappy I am and how I would leave him if I thought I could give my son a fighting chance without him. I don't dare tell him my feelings because everytime I try, he just turns them around on me. He's very good at verbal fights, and I am not. I just shut down while he widdles away at my self-esteem and self-confidence. In the end, I leave the room feeling that instead of being heard, I have just been cowed and belittled and shown how sorry I should be for not being a better person/wife. So instead I keep my mouth shut while the animosity I feel for him grows and grows.
And still I feel... if I were a better person, I would take the higher road. But I'm not. I'm bitter and hurt and angry. If I were a better person....
Still, this morning, I tried to make myself available to him and be nice, figuring that at least one of us should take the higher road. Well, this is where the tug of war comes in. Because now he is angry and he is punishing me with the silent treatment and disregard.
So, my thoughts of being nice slip away and I go back to the "fine, I'll just do everything myself and pretend you don't exist--which is the way you like it anyway; than you can be an absent member of this family." Of course when I do do this, then he accuses me of using him only for his paycheck. Well, what the hell? You can't have it both ways!
When it all comes down to it, though, I think about if I got what I "really wanted." What if we both suddenly forgave each other and became supportive of each other and became a family? Is that what I truly want? The odd thing is, no, I don't think so. At this point, I just want out. I want my freedom. A better person may be able to forgive and forget--but I am not that person I am finding. I hold grudges. I just want out.
And yet I have to find a way to hang in there for the next three or four years until my son's disability is a more well-defined and the future path clearer. By then they should both be in school and I will be able to work full-time and strike out on my own with the kids. THAT is what I want.
...sigh... So do I take the higher road and be nice? Or do I go back to screw-you-i-can-do-this-without-you/i'll-show-you mode? Neither one seems to ever last. In the end we go back to this tension-filled co-existance that has peaks and values where neither of us feels great.
The odd thing is, I don't think he has any clue at all how truly, very unhappy I am and how I would leave him if I thought I could give my son a fighting chance without him. I don't dare tell him my feelings because everytime I try, he just turns them around on me. He's very good at verbal fights, and I am not. I just shut down while he widdles away at my self-esteem and self-confidence. In the end, I leave the room feeling that instead of being heard, I have just been cowed and belittled and shown how sorry I should be for not being a better person/wife. So instead I keep my mouth shut while the animosity I feel for him grows and grows.
And still I feel... if I were a better person, I would take the higher road. But I'm not. I'm bitter and hurt and angry. If I were a better person....
Replies