Day 4.
I have been forthcoming to my wife in the passed few days which is tough but relieving. I don't want to hold onto lies anymore. I don't want to deceive her anymore. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I want to be a better man. I have to follow through. It's all about the follow through. Stay healthy, not only physically which is important to me and has to be a positive outlet, but I have to maintain a stable mind to help with my communication with my wife. When I am balanced and "healthy" we get along so well. When I and not rested, fed, calm and anxiety free I lash out easy, I embellish, I lie, I become stubborn, I become who i don't want to be. I have to stop rationalizing bad behavior like I was getting so much better at. I WANT my family to be together and well. I need to put forth a better effort in my readings and continue to go to meetings every week and hit therapy as much as my budget allows. Today is the first day of my 30 days of sobriety from everything. I have had two beers in the last week but last night I needed help to sleep even with calm's forte. I must mediate more and continue to journal.
We talked this morning and she is understandably uncertain on where we will go. She said she loved me today before she left and is will to do something tonight together. I have to keep DATING MY WIFE and cannot become complacent again. I am feeling more empowered with getting back on track although it will be a long road. As long as I don't get cocky with my recovery again I will be able to maintain control. I have to be more selfless in my actions. I have to communicate better.
She was kinder as she spoke to me this morning. How will I maintain a professional status if I screw around or let someone else lure me back into the darkness. I have to simply say no. I will speak of my family more initially and if complimented simply say thank you and move on. I cannot mistaken kindness or friendliness for flirting. Not everyone wants it nor should anyone deserve it other then my wife. It felt good to be honest today. i haven't had any urges other then wanting to be with my wife in four days. I thought about looking at porn but that is not an option and it mildly sickened me as my thoughts quickly wafted through my mind. I have to keep a clear mind and use better judgment. My INTENT has to be more true.
We talked this morning and she is understandably uncertain on where we will go. She said she loved me today before she left and is will to do something tonight together. I have to keep DATING MY WIFE and cannot become complacent again. I am feeling more empowered with getting back on track although it will be a long road. As long as I don't get cocky with my recovery again I will be able to maintain control. I have to be more selfless in my actions. I have to communicate better.
She was kinder as she spoke to me this morning. How will I maintain a professional status if I screw around or let someone else lure me back into the darkness. I have to simply say no. I will speak of my family more initially and if complimented simply say thank you and move on. I cannot mistaken kindness or friendliness for flirting. Not everyone wants it nor should anyone deserve it other then my wife. It felt good to be honest today. i haven't had any urges other then wanting to be with my wife in four days. I thought about looking at porn but that is not an option and it mildly sickened me as my thoughts quickly wafted through my mind. I have to keep a clear mind and use better judgment. My INTENT has to be more true.
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