Day 13
I'm driving to work in peak hour traffic. I was listening to a song. And it hit me. And I thought about the time I took her to the ballet for her birthday. And how we felt together and the magic.
And I pulled over and cried and cried.
And I pulled over and cried and cried.
Replies
Update. 11am.
At work. Triggers are getting stronger. For example I saw the word \"New Zealand\" and immediately had a very strong flashback to August, when OW and I snuck off to New Zealand for a week long holiday. We visited the most beautiful winery in the world there - Mudbrick, on Picturesque Waiheke Island.
It hit me so hard that I google mapped it and traced the roads we walked on, on that sunny day, on that beautiful island. Just the two of us on a little sunny Island, tipsy and laughing.
It made me so sad that I had to walk away from my desk.
I have boxing today but I\'m not as motivated as I was at the start of the week.
I have no urge to break NC but the tsunami that I expected is now in sight. I can feel the grief approaching.
Its 11am where you are????
Ok, I just read this: \"When we make a change, its so easy to interpret our unsettledness as unhappiness, an our unhappiness as a result of having made the wrong decision. Our mental and emotional states fluctuate madly when we make big changes in our lives, and somedays we could tight rope across Manhatten, and other days we are too weary to clean our teeth. This is normal. This is natural. This is change\"
When we ended our A\'s we made a huge change. Grieve the loss....its ok...it is what has to be done.\"
And...wow...you took a week vacation with her?? To New Zealand?? Damn.
Hi Shore - Yes I live in Australia. And not just New Zealand. I\'ve taken her to Hong Kong, every beautiful part of Australia, lots of places actually.
It was a very involved relationship. We were unbelievably close and involved for three years.
Ps. That quote really helped. That\'s why I come here.
Update. 940 pm.
Well it\'s been a hard day. Work was tough but I got through it. Then I went and bought two white shirts. Then I bought a small bottle of jack Daniels and drank it on the way home. Didn\'t make any difference. Got home and W is asleep by 9pm.
It\'s definitely hitting me now. I can\'t believe it took two weeks. Fuck I\'m so sad that I can\'t even begin to describe it. She was EVERYTHING to me. It\'s like I\'ve woken up and found myself on the dark side of the moon. I don\'t recognise life now. Everything is so different.
I actually haven\'t set eyes on her for over five weeks. That\'s the longest I\'ve gone without seeing her. And I haven\'t spoken to her for two weeks now.
I just know she is coping better and knowing that hurts.
More determined than ever to end my marriage and become a hermit. Focus on me and just me.
Everything I see reminds me of what we had. I can\'t live like this anymore. Faking it every single day. Faking the \'normalness\' when all I want to do is cry and zone out completely.
Stuck, you do have to feel to heal and try to right now write down all the reasons why she and the A were a pain in the ass. Write down how you texted her in the hospital and how she didn\'t respond and posted pics of her fun time out..... and anything else......
Before I met my H I had a boyfriend who I thought was my soul mate. He smoked a pipe. It was nothing but sheer hell getting over him. I wrote down all the things I couldn\'t stand about him and one was that look on his face when he inhaled that pipe. Years later, when I think of him now....I think of that look and am like, \"Yuck\". Now he is a complete negative trigger.
I have a few moments of things that happened last Tuesday when were together (that I need to write down) that every single time I get sad, I think of them and am like \"ugh\" and roll my eyes.
I also need to tell you, and I promise this is true....its only been 2 weeks...that isn\'t enough time at all!
Shore .. I have been thinking about writing down what I don\'t like about OW as you suggested to me . That really is a great idea.
Stuck.. At about 2 weeks NC the defiant/pissed off thing was starting to wear off. The next days ahead can be tough. Shore\'s suggestion might help. Write down everything you can think of that you don\'t like about her. You will need every bit of ammo you can get
I\'m going to do exactly that right now. And then when I wake up I\'ll read it to start my day and one day I\'ll post it. I really really appreciate this advice guys.
Well I took your advice. It didn\'t tKe me long to write down 30 things I found as strong negatives about her. I\'ll read it when I feel weak. Writing it down centred me a lot. Thank you.