So lost right now. Can't seem to pull myself out. My grandfather passed away after I lose custody of my son and then my uncle passes away. I have been able to work because the thought of being around large groups of people freak me out. It's like I'm being judged by everyone around me. I feel so worthless that I can't do normal activities like everyone else without feeling paranoid that something's going to happen. Everyone tells me to start focusing on me now that my son isn't my main focus, but I don't know how since I am the type of person that devotes everything into a single aspect. My life has never been about me and now I have to start thinking that way!?! How? And since I'm unable to work I have no income do much of anything. I have never traveled anywhere and l don't leave my home. My friends have all moved away or at some point I found out that they were truly never my friends to begin with. I've gone to every agency and tried calling every number that is supposed to help and have been turned away. My psychiatrist recently sent me to a crisis center because even he couldn't help me. What am I to do? This is the worst it has ever been for me and I just can't seem to get out of this hole. And what's worse, is that my son had a choice in leaving my side when I lost custody of him. Knowing that fact is killing me the most. That because I gave him what he needed instead of what he wanted, he chose to go live his father. I have never felt so much pain in my life. Right now everything seems and feels absolutely pointless.
Replies
I am really sorry about the loss of your family members. It sounds like you\'re going through a lot. I also get anxious when I\'m around others. Not having a job, or being unable to work, is very stressful. I haven\'t been able to work in almost three years. It\'s scary.
I hate that you feel worthless and judged. No one is worthless. Do you know why you feel that way?
I\'m sure your son loves you but he is only a child, and children are innocently selfish in their desire to be where they\'re happiest. If you\'re depressed, he probably doesn\'t want to be around that. Not because he doesn\'t love you but because it\'s just too much for his little heart and mind to deal with. He would rather see his mom happy.
Consider your own feelings; If you had the choice to be around fun and happiness or dreariness and gloom, which would you choose? (; And we\'re adults! Don\'t beat yourself up over it. He just needs less stress in his life.
It\'s hard to be alone. I imagine, your son being with you took your mind off your own problems. Depression and loneliness are horrible. They lie to you and make you see things entirely different than they really are.
Your son didn\'t choose to hurt you. He simply chose to help himself. I hope you can empathize with his feelings. He undoubtedly means a lot to you and I have no doubt you mean just as much to him. Your depression and loneliness tell you differently though, and you are hurting because of it.
About a year after I had to quit my job, I was so depressed I was convinced I would be better off dead. I started getting my affairs in order and making a plan. About two weeks before I was to leave home for good, my adult son sent me a text telling me how much he loved me and how he hopes I live forever because he couldn\'t bear to not be able to come to me when he needs his mom, even if he is a grown man. I broke down and cried like a baby. If he hadn\'t sent that text, I might not be here. I learned that day that people cared for me more than I\'ll ever know.
I hope you realize that too. You may not feel it right now but you are important, and you are loved. I hope something happens in your life real soon that shows you just how much you\'re loved and wanted.
What happened today was that my son chose to not come over this weekend and his father and grandmother went with his decision even though the visitation is court ordered. If this is how things are gonna go now, then I have a very tough decision to make and it\'s gonna hurt for the rest of my life.