Now that I know that my H has a personality disorder that makes loving him difficult, I now longer feel that I have to force myself. I will accept what he did and tolerate being married to him, but on my own terms.
Since my last entry, I have discovered more about the narcissist aka my H and his secret life. I found out in 2011 that he had a sexual affair with a former student of his back in 1995 or a year or two later. He was a teacher at a vo-tech school and she was at the time a young woman in her 30\'s who was once his student in junior and senior high when he was a public school teacher. He arranged for her to be in one of his computer classes, and devised ways to meet with her in a hotel out of town for sexual purposes.
How did I find out about this shit that happened years ago?--the same way I found out about the last A. He had a habit of leaving copies of love poems , love letters and other correspondence on his old floppy discs. My \"spidey senses\" had beeb working overtime, and when he was away at work, I had time to go through a lot of junk in his office, found the discs, learned how to open the documents, and OMG, the things I learned about his secret life during those years when I was as clueless and content in my marriage as an unsuspecting newlywed!!!
I confronted him with the evidence which I printed out, he couldn\'t deny it,but since time was on his side(it had been over for 10 or more years) he confessed what he could remember and confirmed that it had been over for years. Yes, years for him, but it was a new kick in the gut for me because i was completely blindsided and now I realize that since he had gotten away with that whore years ago he thought it would be a snap to embark on another one years later. The last time, though, I was older and a little more suspicious and I was able to follow my gut instinct quicker, but sadly, not quick enough.
I have threatened and made plans to leave his a-- and expose him and the whores, who are both well-known professionals in the school system, but the thought of humiliating and embarrassing our adult chilren who ironically also work in the school system, is the ONLY and STRONGEST deterrent that keeps me from kicking his ass to the curb.
I\'m with him, he knows how fortunate he is to still be \"married\" to me, and he knows I will call the shots as to how I want him to treat me from now on. I\'m not using threats to keep him with me--God knows I wish he would find a nice way to leave that would eliminate any gossip in this small town, but I know and he knows that he has absolutely NOWHERE to go and the whores (one is married to a sugar-daddy) certainly domn\'t want him now.
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Now that I know that my H has a personality disorder that makes loving him difficult, I now longer feel that I have to force myself. I will accept what he did and tolerate being married to him, but on my own terms.
Since my last entry, I have discovered more about the narcissist aka my H and his secret life. I found out in 2011 that he had a sexual affair with a former student of his back in 1995 or a year or two later. He was a teacher at a vo-tech school and she was at the time a young woman in her 30\'s who was once his student in junior and senior high when he was a public school teacher. He arranged for her to be in one of his computer classes, and devised ways to meet with her in a hotel out of town for sexual purposes.
How did I find out about this shit that happened years ago?--the same way I found out about the last A. He had a habit of leaving copies of love poems , love letters and other correspondence on his old floppy discs. My \"spidey senses\" had beeb working overtime, and when he was away at work, I had time to go through a lot of junk in his office, found the discs, learned how to open the documents, and OMG, the things I learned about his secret life during those years when I was as clueless and content in my marriage as an unsuspecting newlywed!!!
I confronted him with the evidence which I printed out, he couldn\'t deny it,but since time was on his side(it had been over for 10 or more years) he confessed what he could remember and confirmed that it had been over for years. Yes, years for him, but it was a new kick in the gut for me because i was completely blindsided and now I realize that since he had gotten away with that whore years ago he thought it would be a snap to embark on another one years later. The last time, though, I was older and a little more suspicious and I was able to follow my gut instinct quicker, but sadly, not quick enough.
I have threatened and made plans to leave his a-- and expose him and the whores, who are both well-known professionals in the school system, but the thought of humiliating and embarrassing our adult chilren who ironically also work in the school system, is the ONLY and STRONGEST deterrent that keeps me from kicking his ass to the curb.
I\'m with him, he knows how fortunate he is to still be \"married\" to me, and he knows I will call the shots as to how I want him to treat me from now on. I\'m not using threats to keep him with me--God knows I wish he would find a nice way to leave that would eliminate any gossip in this small town, but I know and he knows that he has absolutely NOWHERE to go and the whores (one is married to a sugar-daddy) certainly domn\'t want him now.