Or should I say, nightmares.. Every 3 or 4 days or so, I have a dream in which I knowingly take a few sips of a drink with alcohol... I only drink a few ounces, and then a huge wave of dissappointment washes over me... I am sick and disheartened and disgusted at myself, so much so that I can barely pull myself out of the sleep... And when I finally do wake up, the RELIEF is equally huge, the joy at finding out that it was only a dream, that I still have my sobriety, I still have all that I've worked for, I still have a chance at The Good Life... I want to jump up and yell, OKAY! ALRIGHT! I GET IT! ENOUGH WITH THE DREAMS ALREADY!!! Because I never want to feel that disappointment in myself again, for any reason. I will move MOUNTAINS not to feel that again... I just passed the 6 month mark this week. Milestones can be good and bad. Because you tend to look at the state of your life at a Milestone, it's like a State Of Your Life Address thing, and if your life is still as f*$%'ed up as it was when you were drinking, you can tend to say "What the HELL, I may as well still be drinking!" Dangerous waters, there... I had that ridiculous thought. And then I said, f%^$ that sh%t, and got on with the projects at hand, the things that are dragging me down, mainly my grown/growing children and the stupid decisions they're making and the stupidity they seem to be chasing and just the general all-around STUPIDNESS, did I mention THE STUPENDOUS STUPIDITY???!!!! There. I feel better. About myself, not about my stupid progeny... The State Of My Life Address: My life is infinitely improved over 6 months ago. The things that are f#$%'d up in my life, they would be f#$%'d up regardless of me drinking or not. But at least I can deal with them soberly, and maturely now, with a clear head and all my heart. That is the true State Of My Life. I have focus, I have resources, and I have peace. In the midst of all this chaos. And, did I mention, the STUPIDITY?!!!!
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