WHY???

Infertility really sucks. The more I think about things, the more upset I get at the fact that this has been all encompassing for almost three years of my life.  Constant counting of days, worrying about if we are doing it at the right time, wondering if the doctors know what the hell they are even talking about.  The constant crying, the emptiness in my heart, the deep pain I feel every time I see a pregnant woman or hear a  baby cry, and the fear of not knowing how I will react the next time a friend tells me that she is pregnant- this has been my life for almost three years and I am just so sick of it.  I'm tired of friends wanting me to be happy when they have been trying for two months, or how they get upset with me because I am not excited enough for them.  I hate being that person that people want to avoid so that their growing bellies don't offend me.  I am tired of hoping that next month will be the one, only to be let down again and again.  My husband says- give it time, God is in control-  and logically I know and believe that- but my heart wants to scream and ask "WHY ME??"  Why us when there is no way financially we can pay for IVF, why us when past students of mine are starting to have babies at the age of 14??  What kind of plan is this???  I have tried to give this all to God- I have tried to keep my faith strong- but really- it just isn't fair when Christian people who love God more than we love each other aren't able to be blessed with a baby.  What have we done to deserve this pain??  Why do I deserve to cry each month when I start to bleed because I am not pregnant, when somewhere a woman is crying because she is pregnant and doesn't want the baby??  Why is it that God allows couples who don't love one another to create such a miracle, when all the child will ever experience is hate or neglect???  Why if I want a baby I have to practially buy one either through infertility treatments or through adoption.  I know that either way it isn't "buying" one- but when we look at thousands and thousands of dollars to start a family, it basically seems that way. I want the tears to stop, the pain to vanish.  I just want to hold a miracle, a child of God's, in my arms and love him or her the way that God loves each of us.  I feel defeated, I want to give up sometimes, but really how can I??  Will the yearning ever end?  The constant worrying ever stop?  People tell me to stop thinking about it or worrying about it- is that possible?  When all I have ever wanted in life was to be a wife and mother, how can I??  Sure, I can be a wonderful aunt to my nieces and nephews, but the more I spend time with them, the more I see what I am missing.  Knowing that money stands in the way between me and motherhood angers me and makes me feel hopeless.  Can we afford to have a baby naturally?  You bet!  We live a somewhat comfortable life, have good jobs, and could provide so much for a child, but because of what seems like a cruel joke, may never get to experience that.   The anger I feel toward my sister-in-law who is pregnant I know stems from so much more than the fact that she said cruel things to me after announcing their pregnancy- I have come to realize that it is jealousy- jealousy that they could spend $45,000 on IVF without seeming to blink an eye as they continued to travel to Europe and Australia and buy a $350,000 house.  Jealousy knowing that never could we go down that road in order to have a baby- and feeling that because we can't, we will never experience the joy that they are experiencing as they prepare for their babies.  Knowing this, all I can do is feel as though maybe I don't deserve to have a baby for having these feelings.  Part of me feels that if God wants us to have a baby He knows that we can't afford to go about it through treatments or adoption.  I feel as though the towel almost needs to be thrown in- the white flag raised as I surrender to defeat.