WHY?????

I am just so angry at God right now and because of that, angry at myself.  This month was just a tease we realized when AF finally arrived at 6:30 this morning.  I was SO HOPEFUL when I woke up this morning- Day 31 to no AF.  My husband and I just laid in bed talking, too nervous to go back to sleep.  We had made the decision that if no AF by tonight I would buy a test for in the morning.  I knew that today would be a tough day of waiting, but had no idea how incredibly tough after AF finally showed.  Having almost always had a 28 day cycle, with a maximum of 30 a year ago or so- this morning we were feeling cautiously optimistic- but wondering if really maybe this month was our month.  Considering everyone else seems to be having their month everywhere I turn I thought that maybe it was FINALLY our time.  I tried to pick up the pieces and start my day- even made it to work- however never did get to start teaching my class because before the day started the teacher across the hall who is like a second mom to me, asked me what was wrong- apparently my makeup didn't cover as well as I had hoped.  She thought that I had  heard a different coworker of ours announce that she was going to be a grandma this morning- which I hadn't, but certainly found out.  I instantly burst into tears and had to have someone else cover my class while I arranged for a sub.  My poor 5th graders must be wondering what the heck is wrong with their teacher- actually everyone at school must be wondering because when I tried to talk I couldn't stop sobbing.  To make it worse, a close friend at work who is due any day was telling me before school how her baby kept her up this morning with the hiccups- she didn't tell me to hurt me, and I was the one who asked how her Dr. appt. went Friday-  but all I could think of was that I want to be woken up by a hiccups, heck I would love to be woken up with my baby kicking the heck out of me!!   I don't understand why every month when I get my period there seems to be at least 3 people who tell me that they, or another close friend is pregnant.  I realized Friday night that most of our friends are now pregnant with their second baby in the time we have been trying to have one when I learned of two more friends who are pregnant.  Also realized that although we have been married the longest in our friends, we are the only ones who are trying and haven't gotten pregnant- nevermind the ones who just- oops!, got pregnant-  ARRGGHHHH!!!!!  Really?  Why is it so easy for them?  Hell, my cousin only has one ovary and got pregnant within a month of her wedding last summer- just got the invite to her baby shower too which I had to take off my fridge this morning because it made me cry. I HATE THIS FRICKEN JOURNEY!!!!  I feel as though I am being punished for something and can't figure out what I did to deserve this.  I know I need to pick up the pieces and press forward, but really- where is there to go?  Financially we can't afford IVF and the $1500 price tag of IUI with only a 12% success rate really doesn't seem feasible right now either.   Okay- pitty party lasts only today- tonight I have an appt. for a new hair cut and color- something new will hopefully perk me up.