I did something stupid today, I sent a message that I shouldn't have sent and broke a promise to myself. I'm not supposed to talk to a certain person while I have a mark drawn on a specific place on the lower left of my left palm, about 8mm in diameter. After a week of complete silence, I'm not sure, I just needed to say something, I was curious. I don't know what I was curious about or why I was curious, my hand just sort of moved and sent the message without a lot of direct conscious effort. It was stupid, I know it was, and I haven't seen the reply yet, I'm not going to read it for a while, definitely not tonight.
I don't know whats wrong with me at the moment, I feel run-down with a cold, I feel like I have an unnecessary existence, not in any kind of self-depricating way, just a little needless. People don't need me to exist, people don't ask to help me, they don't ask me whats wrong and they don't try to comfort me. They never have really, and thats what I've always really wanted, at least since getting to Oundle. I've really wanted someone to just tell me that everything's going to be alright, so I can be dependent, and also for people to be dependent on me, so that without me there they don't get by like they used to, its selfish but its what I want, even if I'll never get it, if nothing else I just want someone to talk to me, face to face, and tell me that everything is going to be ok, by themselves and sincerely. I guess I'm feeling a little lonely as well. I can't go and see my brother because I'm ill and spending a couple of days in uni with him will just leave me feeling trashed. Also I feel deceived, one of the people who I had felt very close to before told me that I didn't know them, and I believed them. I don't know them, it just leaves me wondering if anything between us was real, did I really ever know them or was I just being kept at arm's length emotionally. I don't know anymore, I wish I could believe that it was as real to them as it was to me, but every part of my body tells me that it wasn't, otherwise things wouldn't have gotten out of hand so quickly. Once again I can't believe what I want to believe...
 
Just as an afterthought, I'm getting a new phone in the next week, I haven't decided if I'm going to keep my old number or get a new one. Sorry for ruining the mood. I guess it depends if on whether that certain person uses the number before I get the new phone.
 
P.P.S. It's been two months since my 18th birthday, I don't feel quite as grown up as I thought I would by now.