Feeling really pissed off right now. Spoke to my sister earlier this evening. It is my Mother's birthday tomorrow. My Mom and I have recently become estranged. She's been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me for many years. I've done my best to tolerate it but decided after she turned on me shortly after I was re-diagnosed bipolar that enough was enough. I was in rough shape. I had not expected that my clinical depression had escalated and that I was in actuality sicker than I thought I was. I had just come to grips with the depression thing, and then to be told I was bi-polar, well, it meant having to digest it and go through the mixed emotions one experiences when given bad news. Anyway to make a long story short my Mother turns on me no more than 10 days later giving me proper shit about not remembering to call an aunt long distance to thank her for a birthday card she had bought at a Dollar store. On top that my Mother bought me a pepper grinder filled to the top, forgetting that I'm severely allergic to it. Duh. It might sound trivial but after years and years of this, coupled with her inability to do anything while my father was abusing me as a child (more so verbally than physically), has made it impossible for me to spend any more time with her. Even my Doctor has suggested I break all ties...
So I decide, despite everything, to send my sister an emailed Birthday card for her to give to my Mother. It wasn't the friendliest of cards, I wished her the best but emphasised that I thought it was best that we not get together for both our sakes. She's 83 tomorrow, and I'm still adjusting to my new medications and rediagnosis. Its better we keep our distance. And quite frankly I'm uncertain at this point with the accumulation of bullshit I've put up with, whether I really want to see her again anyways...
And my sister lays this guilt trip on me about how she doesn't want to deal with my Mother's heartache in receiving such an 'unpleasant' birthday card. Cripes! At least I'm making the effort. I'm the victim and my sister is feeling sorry for her. Sometimes I just can't win for losing. My sister being the 'golden girl' in our family and my only sibling, three years younger, wasn't treated in the same way I was. But as sympathetic and supportive as she has been over the last couple of months, I can't help but resent her for putting my Mother on a pedestal, feeling sorry for her because I'm not properly acknowledging her birthday...What do they want from me? This is the same women who continued to tell me as a child that she was happier before I was born and wished I wasn't alive...And the card I'm sending her isn't enough. I'd have been best not to have even bothered!
I guess my biggest fear however is that when something happens and at her age it won't be long, I'll feel guilty for not turning the other cheek (?). What's a guy to do...
So I decide, despite everything, to send my sister an emailed Birthday card for her to give to my Mother. It wasn't the friendliest of cards, I wished her the best but emphasised that I thought it was best that we not get together for both our sakes. She's 83 tomorrow, and I'm still adjusting to my new medications and rediagnosis. Its better we keep our distance. And quite frankly I'm uncertain at this point with the accumulation of bullshit I've put up with, whether I really want to see her again anyways...
And my sister lays this guilt trip on me about how she doesn't want to deal with my Mother's heartache in receiving such an 'unpleasant' birthday card. Cripes! At least I'm making the effort. I'm the victim and my sister is feeling sorry for her. Sometimes I just can't win for losing. My sister being the 'golden girl' in our family and my only sibling, three years younger, wasn't treated in the same way I was. But as sympathetic and supportive as she has been over the last couple of months, I can't help but resent her for putting my Mother on a pedestal, feeling sorry for her because I'm not properly acknowledging her birthday...What do they want from me? This is the same women who continued to tell me as a child that she was happier before I was born and wished I wasn't alive...And the card I'm sending her isn't enough. I'd have been best not to have even bothered!
I guess my biggest fear however is that when something happens and at her age it won't be long, I'll feel guilty for not turning the other cheek (?). What's a guy to do...
Replies
Dear friend,
Mother and daughter for the most part share a special bond. However, I do not fall into that category. Don\'t get me wrong, I love my mother will all my heart and now being \"wiser\" ( a nicer way to say older) I am more undedrstanding of certain issues, but I KNOW I cannot spend more than 3 days around her, nor can I go back to live with her. It\'s chaos. You are entitle to do what it\'s best for you. I know some people might think that it\'s a bit harsh that a son would not want to have anything to do with a mom, but these are your feelings and you have to deal with them. My only suggestion is that if you already took a decision, then do no bang your head with it. Embrace it, and keep your head up. As far as your sister, just say: Heyd, sis this all I can do at this point! I do not mean to be cruel, but I need to take care of myself.
Finally, and that\'s why I say be in peace with your decision because of regardless her age, we can die as well even if we are much younger. That was my biggest fear, to go first and not have a healthy relationship with my mom. Now, we are improving. Every time, I move away from her, she becames my best friend. Go figure!
Sorry It\'s a long comment.
I love \"talking to you\"
Claudia
Do not fall for the guilt trip. You have to do what you need to make your self healthy. My real mother and I have not spoken for over 18 years. I could be around her for 1 minute and that would all it would be to get under my skin. Things will get better...
Dear Gay Abby Here. I say just send her a signed card
without writing any comments. At first I would say turn
the other cheek, but if she spent her whole life telling you
she basically didn\'t want you to be born, then I\'d just send a
card on the appropriate holidays, not write anything unless you want
to say something about yourself, and leave it at that.
Here\'s a funny story. My mother was almost 40 when I was
born and my dad was 45. They already has four kids, and the
fourth one was a surprise. . .so I was a shock. Once I said to
my Mom, you guys were too old and poor to have another kid. What
were you doing? She said, \"I think I was asleep on the couch at
the time.\" Unwanted and unexpected as I was, my mother never said
she was sorry I was born. I just don\'t think a mother should say that
to her kid. And there are only two of you! Maybe you should send
her a copy of Mommy Dearest for her birthday.