Anyway. I cannot shake the feeling today of being tired very tired emotionally and physically. This life is taking a big toll on me in everey way. I dread to think what my kids think of the world with their own family so fucked up and being harassed by neighbours and a mum who is simply exhausted and broke all the time. I sometimes dream about having a holiday to myself for a week or so in a hotel room where I simply curl up into a ball and sleep for the whole time, crazy eh? The problem I am having is that so many people in my life are people who have criticized me and overlooked or inflicted abuse on me and none of it was ever ever sorted. The abuser always wins. I always lose. God how I wish it was not this way for my children and I cannot help thinking that perhaps it is this way for my children because of their living with me. I consciously try every day to see the good in me but I struggle with that. I keep hearing the voices of my accusers and seem to have lost my own voice somewhere. I cannot help feeling guilty for the abuses heaped on me in my life. I cant help but say if it was me looking in at my life from the outside listening to all the facts people say about me even I would not believe me. But some little voice inside me says I cannot seem to escape the facts that are around me. I did not sexually abuse my children. I did not harass my neighbor and ask for daily verbal abuse from them. I did not ask a man to break into my house in the middle of the night.  I could not help not being good enough fo my parents or wanting love and affection from them when they did not want to give it. I did not ask to be attacked along with my friend that night years ago and did not give my consent to that boy. So why does nobody seem to give a shit? I do find people who want to include me in their lives in a fun and positive way but I feel I am so vacant I have really very little to give back so I avoid it and the friendships fizzle out. All I really want to do is sleep and yet when it come to night time that is the one thing that eludes me the most. I think somewhere I need to find some kind of way of being able to relate in a more positive and productive way with myself. I have no idea how to do that really but am working on that with therapy. I think I choose abusive people because somehowtheir drama sucks me in and give me something to focus on and when they are gone I start to feel my own vacantness if that makes sense. Sucks. Am so sad about my family. It is like being bombed and somehow surviving but only to live a life of suffering in a wasteland but a wasteland where you can see another world where people are happy and productive and living lives around me but I am invisible or something, easily discarded and disregarded. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere and I feel like I am gonna screw up my kids even more by even being there so I do everything in my power every day to try to act like a normal person ha ha! I get them dressed, feed them, drop them at school and go to work. Man….that is so fucked up eh? There has got to be a better way to live than this. Gotta sort myself out.