50

50 days, wow. I admit I hadn't been counting. This past Saturday I drank a little too much beer. And I managed to get into an argument with my boyfriend. However, I also managed to communicate better, regardless of how much I'd drank. None the less, I didn't like the feeling of losing part of that control over my own emotions and actions. And I know it was because of the alcohol. I have managed to stay away from liquor, which is great. I'm working on knowing what triggered self destructive behavior and when I became this person I sometimes hate being. During my last therapy session, we realized it was at the time the my first true love and I broke up. Even though we broke up, I continued to be with him whenever i was in town. It was confusing and detrimental, and went on for years. I then got into an unhealthy relationship with someone I knew wasn't good for me, and stayed with him for years. Could breaking up with my first true love have caused my selfesteem to break so bad? Or was it just a trigger? It seems like I'll never get to the other end of the tunnel. I have great days, I'll admit. I love the relationship I'm in, and I know I'm blessed with many other things. But I'm not truely happy with who I am. And when I drink, all of that comes out, and I hate myself. I know I shouldn't have drank so much on Saturday. But I know I'm getting better, too. I let myself lose control and I failed at staying sober, but I'm not a failure. I've made progress, and I will keep making progress. I just hope it makes a difference in the end.