UGH

God I hate being Bipolar - or maybe it is just me and I hate being me sometimes.  I am with a man whom I care very deeply about, but there are times when I have mixed emotions about whether or not he is the "best" thing for me.  But honestly, who knows what the "best" is for us.  He doesn't judge me, nor I him, but there are times when a lack of uncertainty about what he and I have brings me down.  Then, on the flip side, I leave him this morning and I start crying as soon as I get in my car - I can't stand to leave and not know when I can feel his arms around me, feel cared for.  We don't spend a lot of evenings together, which makes me sad, but on the other side, I have my kids on most nights and that is a positive for me.  I just feel bad that I have been crying and bitchy so much around my kids.  I try and give myself a break....its been 4 weeks and 2 days since I was discharged from BHS..mental health and treatment hospital.  I guess that is not very long after going through a "nervous breakdown" for lack of better words for me to just jump full force back into life.  Sometimes I think when I am with Justin, I feel that I can forget about my "mental troubles" and it feels good to just "be".  but then he and I have gotten into a couple of upsetting conversations about this and that and it upsets me more than I guess it should.  We have been seeing eachother on and off for 6 months, but we have been "steady"  together for the past 2 months, so we are bound to have our ups and downs.   I know I should focus on me and my health, but I HATE THIS.  Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Behaviors - shit - what's the point.....  I want to hurt myself again and that is not good, but thoughts get in my mind and I cannot rid myself of them.  I suppose going back to work is for the best, but I DON'T WANT TO.  I feel like I can begin to concentrate on being a good mom again, and my mental health while I continue to "heal. but if I go back to work I will become a stressed out mess. - I'm not too far from it already.  Financially I need to get back.  I just widh I could have social Security come through and I could take a break from life stresses.....somehow I don't think that will happen.One day, I feel like I can begin to tackle life, the next day, I feel like I want to curl up and not necessarity die, but withdraw from the world....  This all just sucks.