Day 1
Well, I joined the group and told my story. Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life.
My girlfriend found out about a lie that I've been carrying on for a few months now. She probably wouldn't have even been mad about it if I had just come clean to begin with.
Now she is talking about moving back to her mom's. Her bags are packed.
This is not the first time I have lied to her; far from it. It's like I don't know how to stop. I've never thought of myself as compulsive but I guess I am. I am so afraid of confrontation that I don't know how to not try to avoid it. It's not even like I am lying about cheating, or debt, or things that would normally put a relationship at severe risk. I love her deeply and I wouldn't do anything that required that sort of lying in the first place. But all the smaller lies have just added up.
I feel guilty when I lie, but I feel even more guilty when I get caught. I want to feel as guilty as I do when I get caught whenever I lie. It's not fair to the people around me. I can't go on like this.
Funny enough, this morning I had a scheduled appt with my psychiatrist. Second visit. He prescribed me lithium, 300mg, for bipolar symptoms. I told him about the lying and he basically said that it's part of my compulsive behavior, same as the self-harm, anger, and frustration I sought him out to deal with. I'm not going to rely on the drugs to help me with lying, that's ridiculous. Only I can make that change. But I hope maybe the lithium will put me in a better mindset where I don't feel like I have to lie. It might help me build up some self-confidence so I am not constantly questioning myself and my self-worth, lying to make up for the fact that at my core I don't like myself.
I guess it's true what they say: you can't make others happy if you're not happy.
My girlfriend found out about a lie that I've been carrying on for a few months now. She probably wouldn't have even been mad about it if I had just come clean to begin with.
Now she is talking about moving back to her mom's. Her bags are packed.
This is not the first time I have lied to her; far from it. It's like I don't know how to stop. I've never thought of myself as compulsive but I guess I am. I am so afraid of confrontation that I don't know how to not try to avoid it. It's not even like I am lying about cheating, or debt, or things that would normally put a relationship at severe risk. I love her deeply and I wouldn't do anything that required that sort of lying in the first place. But all the smaller lies have just added up.
I feel guilty when I lie, but I feel even more guilty when I get caught. I want to feel as guilty as I do when I get caught whenever I lie. It's not fair to the people around me. I can't go on like this.
Funny enough, this morning I had a scheduled appt with my psychiatrist. Second visit. He prescribed me lithium, 300mg, for bipolar symptoms. I told him about the lying and he basically said that it's part of my compulsive behavior, same as the self-harm, anger, and frustration I sought him out to deal with. I'm not going to rely on the drugs to help me with lying, that's ridiculous. Only I can make that change. But I hope maybe the lithium will put me in a better mindset where I don't feel like I have to lie. It might help me build up some self-confidence so I am not constantly questioning myself and my self-worth, lying to make up for the fact that at my core I don't like myself.
I guess it's true what they say: you can't make others happy if you're not happy.
Replies