i dont know how many entries ive written tonight but just had to write. got off the phone with my husband. i told him i hated him and i feel like such an evil person for saying that. its not that i hate him its that i hate that he isnt comming home from work. i miss my baby so damn much that its not even funny. its not fair that she was taken away from us. i hate him for not being here with me at home when i need him the most. he didnt even take one damn day off from work when she died. my first day back was yesterday, she's been gone for a week now and the hurt isnt easing at all. i need help all i want to do is crawl in a hole and never come out ( no im not going t kill myself i don't believe in that) i just don't want to be around the world anymore. i hate it i just want to give up and die and be with my baby girl it just hurts too much.
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Girl I wish I could send you a thousand hugs. I know exactly how your feeling right now. To my core. I told many an ex I hated them after I lost angel. I pushed everyone away so I could just hurt alone. Then got mad when no one was around. Its such a conflict. you want someone to just read your damn mind and know what you need. You hate god, life, friends,and family. Mostly because you hurt and don,t feel anyone shares your pain. Your husband sounds like he is hiding. Thats normal hunny. What can he do. The bond between you and your child was so great he could never match it. He is just trying to hide from not knowing what to do for you. To the people who support us not doing anything seems better when they don,t know what to do. Sorry don,t cut it. I feel your pain from most people is a lie. Its hollow and empty. You are feeling what I felt. The only thing I can tell you is that it is a self destructive path. You need someone to listen to you. I feel that in your journal. Girl you can pile all your burden on me anytime you need to. Your like me. Helping others makes you feel better. But its a lie. You lie to yourself. You do it to feel good but what you need is for someone to understand and care. Someone to give you answers and advice. Someone to tell you why? why it happened to you. I know the feeling sweety. Make a deal with ya. You lean on me I,ll lean on you, and neither one of us will have to fall down. Hugs and love girl.
I am sure he knows you really don\'t hate him. I think we have all said things like that to our loved ones before--I know I have. You are going through a challenging time right now, so don\'t beat yourself up about it. Hang in there.