Whole cartoon of smokes and i been thur 3 packs already wow.. I cant figure out why i smoke so much though. Is it lonleyness, fatigue, boredom, what is it i dont know or is it just my mind telling me to do so. Its down right frustrating. Its like anything i do i relate to smoke a ciggarate or somthing...Watching TV, Reading, Writing, Listening to music, Talking on the Phone(Big One), Siting around talking to family & friends, Hanging out around people in crowds, Doing anything But when I am around people i smoke more and when im bored But why??? Why cant i jus do something with out lighting on up really i would love to do that. Speacially when im upset or nerves i automatically smoke a ciggaratte to calm my nevvers is it really doing that or is just my mind thinking that it is. I have no idea. The whole working on being happier is going to be a hard one i mean i been trying to do so since i was 12 years old. Why is it that im never happy no matter what i do or try. I been thur counseling and group therpys and everything and nothing seems to work. Whats my kicker thats going to get me out of this. I wish i would find it already cause i hate being sad a misserable all the time. I really hate the fake that i hate the way i look i was told for so long that i was ugly and fat that now when im told im not a argue with the person that tells me so. And i hate it and i never believe a guy when they say im pretty its just so unreal to me. Just like if im treated nice by a guy i start to push them away. My own belief to that is cause im not use to it and it scares me acctually. That really needs to go.
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