I haven't posted in a while.  Feeling very low today.  On vacation this week.  I think I must be some kind of workaholic because I'm longing to go back if only to be around people and get out of my head for a while.  Someone told me once I think too much.  I do.  But why do my thoughts always seem to take a negative turn?  It wouldn't be so bad if my overthinking were positive.  But I always come back to what a loser I am, I'm ugly, I'm terrible, no wonder no one wants me, and to top it off he's a whiner too!  Real sexy, John! Anyways, it can be something small that sets me off.  In this case, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  Sometimes it's shocking how much one has aged.  My body still looks reasonably young thanks to all the working out and running I do, but my age shows on my face.  And my head is freakishly large for my body.  I look like some marooned alien who got separated from the mother ship.  So anyways, I catch a glimpse of that and then reality hits me in the face.  Who would want that?  And after all, what's all the working out and running for?  Sure, health benefits are great, but the real reason is to look the best I can in case someone special comes around.  But no one ever does. I think my problem is that I'm such an introvert.  Social situations really scare me.  If I had more social confidence, I think I would be more successful in this world.  There's a gay event tomorrow that my therapist told me I should check out, but I'm dreading going alone.  My only real friend currently lives kind of far, and she's got tons of her own problems.  I asked this guy I sort of befriended recently to go with me, although the relationship took a turn for the worse, so I'm not sure he'll even respond (I texted him).  I guess that shows how desperate I've become.  I don't even like him that much--I just hate having to go alone and seeing people look at me kind of sad--"Oh, poor guy, he has no friends, no one to come with."   I envy people who have never known the kind of despair I have.  The kind that seems to eat holes in your soul.  I would like to believe that out of the darkness of pain comes enlightenment.  Someone needs to tell the man upstairs that the lights have been dimmed for quite some time.  But I suppose one can't always judge by surfaces.  Maybe everyone's really screwed up, but they all put on a brave face for the world.  And those who aren't screwed up are shallow.  Or maybe this is what we tell ourselves to feel better, to ennoble our pain, to make it seem like less a cry in the wilderness.   I feel more and more isolated as the years go by.  I don't know what will become of me after my parents are gone.  Then I'll really be alone.  What a huge disappointment this life has been.  So many unfulfilled hopes.  If only I were a great artist or writer or something.  That would at least be some consolation.  The consolations of art or philosophy--fortune may be fickle and reward the undeserving but art endures, wisdom outlasts all.  Thank God for that at least--for great books and music and everything that makes us feel connected to something greater than ourselves and thus less alone in this world.  Still, it would be nice to have some understanding person to share this with.