Back from a wonderful and inspiring week with hubby.  Our Christmas present to ourselves, we enjoyed 6 days of pampering and adventure.  It felt empowering, invigorating, and relaxing.  At one particular site, a rapidly running creek that is touted as a spiritual place, I put my hands in the cold water and spoke out loud that I was "letting go."  What I let go of was a sense of guilt.  The false guilt that has plagued me ever since the estrangement with our only son began... "what did I do to cause this? If I had only done this or that.  If I only hadn't done this or that.  
I know that I was a good mother.  My husband was a good father.  We both adored and nurtured our only child.  We sacrificed self time and time again for his benefit. Being a mother was my life dream ever since I can remember.  When we adopted our son, I gave up my career to be the best mother that I could.  And looking back now, I know that is exactly what I was... a good mother.
It is not our fault, nor are we to blame for this fractured, unnatural, bizarre and cruel estrangement.  We are not in control of our adult son, his choices, his lifestyle, his troubles. He was raised with good role models.  He was raised better than what he is choosing.  He was given the tools to make better choices.  He is responsible for his own actions.  We will not intervene to try to protect him from himself.  He will pay the consequences for his own choices and actions.
I have let go of false guilt. That is the good news.  My first step toward healing.