depression

I haven't posted here in awhile.  I didn't have much to say that sounded like I was moving forward. Seems that the past few weeks I have been doing worse instead of better and have been fighting a bad depression.  No one knows as when I am out and about or working, I act like all is well and make everyone laugh.  Friends tell me how great I am doing.  I get in my car or at home and fall into a depression.  Things don't seem to be better.  I is just about 6 months and I can't make the tears and 24/7 thoughts of my son go away.  I was ok when I was visiting my daughter and worse since coming home.  She was ok while I was there and she is depressed as well.  I know this is a never ending  emotion.  I just wonder if I will ever feel happy again without having a broken heart that aches for my son.

Replies

donnasd
donnasd

The pain of my son\'s loss- 2 years & 4 mos. ago- is very much with me still. I think there are a number of grieving moms who find that depression is a constant companion. If you feel that way too, you might ask your Doctor about an anti-depressant. There\'s nothing wrong with asking for help & you\'re still in the fairly early stages of grief. You can rely on support & understanding here but sometimes we just need medication that will help. None of us thought in the beginning that we\'d be able to survive this. And yet... here we are still. There are grieving mothers who take anti-depressants & see therapists. It all depends on what works for each individual.
Please realize you\'re being thought of in the middle of your difficult journey. We here at FMO care & encourage you along the way. I hope that you can find some peace & light in the days ahead.

Love & Hugs,

Donna, Charlie\'s Mom
pisces220
pisces220

Thank you Donna....
NoraMc
NoraMc

it is so very hard to put on that happy mask to go out into the world,,,, because when we get home and take the mask off we fall apart... we all do.... love and hugs to you....
pisces220
pisces220

Thanks Nora....At least here, everyone understands.
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

Six months is still so very raw and how could it not be. Truly, when I try to reflect back to my early months and years it\'s as if I was suspended in a deep fog within a cocoon. I truly cannot remember too much except I just kept breathing because my body did that for me without having to think about it. Had I had to think to make it happen, surely I would have forgotten or been just too tired to.

I agree with Donna, that each of us must find our tools that help us and they are as unique and varied as we are. What helps one person might not be at all for another so that is why sharing here helps so much. In our Discussion Section I brought up a wonderful post by Sue, mom of Doug, and it\'s a Nurturing List. You might want to read through a few of the ideas just to ponder and if any resonate give them a try.

There are no \"should\'s\" or \"right\" or \"wrong\" ways to grieve and as Donna said if you need to go into your doctor because you feel as if you are sinking deeper and deeper, then that is a start and is something many do. I knew that I needed to be able to talk about my son so I found a few \"go to\" people that I could talk to. Not all of them had lost a child and one in particular encouraged me to call her when I just needed her to hold the space so that I could have a good cry. I did not find FMO until I was fourteen months on this path so when I did, finally I had a place where I felt that I was understood. I began reading some of the earlier journals of some of the moms that were a few steps further along just to see how they were making their way and that was an eye opener for me. What I discovered is that I\'m not alone, others are feeling or have felt as I have and the isolation was not as deep or vast because finally I had some heart tethers to others.

Please know that there are no expectations here and however you are feeling is ok and how it needs to be for this moment. Often when we journal we are not only helping ourselves, yet there is someone else who might be feeling very much the same way and they cannot believe that someone else is too.

Please be so very, very gentle with yourself and feel whatever you need to. If you need to cry let those tears flow and learn to not make apologies for them. I remember reading early on in one of my grief books and it asked the reader to think of a time that someone cried in front of you and how it made you feel. Not one person thought it was a lack of strength, yet felt that it was a time of emotional vulnerability that was an invitation to them for them to be open as well. I have always remembered that and it helps me.

Thinking of you with much warmth and loving care. Most of all I just want you to know that YOU are not alone in what you are feeling and experiencing. I understand fully and deeply and truly wish that I did not, yet I do and that is why we are here. To companion one another as best as we are able and to hold the space for one another as we heal in our time and in our way.

Hand in hand, Heart to heart,
XO Joanie
NellW
NellW

Six months is so early on this journey. I can remember thinking I was going to die and actually not caring one way or the other. Just be gentle and kind to yourself. In the beginning I got so sick and tired of people and \"their help\" which wasn\'t any help at all. It is hard trying to put the mask on and pretend everything is ok.
Thinking of you and hoping for some peace....Nell
pisces220
pisces220

Joanie, thank you for taking the time to write that. I appreciate all of the moms here. You have all been so wonderful to me while I am trying to get through each day.
PLA58
PLA58

I am still on anti depressants I have lived through 7 angel dates. Some days are worse than others. I like you on the outside bubbly, funny etc. they do not know how I really am on the inside. the girls at work understand visits because of a loss of a parent & their visits. I had one girl say why do you always have your \"smell\" of Mike in my area. I had to say he has brought your brother to visit. (she lost her big brother from gun violence and she found him)

Time does not have any bearing on grief, it is its own animal and very unpredictable. So cry here, shout out and yell, we listen and respond. To me I could not carry on a conversation early on, so pounding on my keyboard was somewhat therapeutic. Find what works for you.
Sending tight hugs
Penny