yikes
It's been a year since I posted a journal entry.
the good news is I'm in a little better place. I'm taking medication for the depression and it's working. The psychiatrist lady said the medication would only be part of the therapy. the rest had to come from changing my thinking. that's going to be a challenge since I'm 47 and have been playing some of the same tapes over and over my entire life.
I'm looking to AA for help. "You can't think your way to clean and sober living, you have to live your way to clean and sober thinking." It's helping. the more I reach out to AA, the more I'm able to stave off depressed thinking.
I also want to start doing some shit besides idolizing things I'd like to do, not doing them, then wondering where my life went.
I realized this morning that a big part of the 8th and 9th step is breaking old and dysfunctional patterns of thought and behavior. they aren't helping anyone, especially myself, and a few of them have actually led me to drinking and using.
I had a dream last night that I spent some time with my fathers father. We watched a movie together. When it was over, he was asleep, I turned off the lights, covered him with a blanket, and left. I was going to call my dad and let him know I spent time with him. It was important to my dad that this happen. As I was leaving I was packing gear from a motorcycle trip I took back in the 90's. the destination was home with my wife after living in another city while on a bender. Weird pieces of my life spliced together.
the good news is I'm in a little better place. I'm taking medication for the depression and it's working. The psychiatrist lady said the medication would only be part of the therapy. the rest had to come from changing my thinking. that's going to be a challenge since I'm 47 and have been playing some of the same tapes over and over my entire life.
I'm looking to AA for help. "You can't think your way to clean and sober living, you have to live your way to clean and sober thinking." It's helping. the more I reach out to AA, the more I'm able to stave off depressed thinking.
I also want to start doing some shit besides idolizing things I'd like to do, not doing them, then wondering where my life went.
I realized this morning that a big part of the 8th and 9th step is breaking old and dysfunctional patterns of thought and behavior. they aren't helping anyone, especially myself, and a few of them have actually led me to drinking and using.
I had a dream last night that I spent some time with my fathers father. We watched a movie together. When it was over, he was asleep, I turned off the lights, covered him with a blanket, and left. I was going to call my dad and let him know I spent time with him. It was important to my dad that this happen. As I was leaving I was packing gear from a motorcycle trip I took back in the 90's. the destination was home with my wife after living in another city while on a bender. Weird pieces of my life spliced together.
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