mom
I dunno. Just a difficult relationship. I think my mom is just short of being a saint. Only problem is I never thought she loved me. She was the invisible parent because I was so infatuated and obsessed with my dad. She has always wanted a relationship and I have always pushed her away. It's something I can't explain, but something I know I need to change. I would be devastated if anything happened to her before I could make things right.
I have been saying for months now that I wanted to try to allow her in a little more. It makes her day when I talk to her it seems. She told me she loved me and gave me a real hug a few months ago and it freaked me out. Not sure why. She never once told me that or hugged me like that before, even when I was a kid. I couldn't process it - It just made me angry for some reason.
So I called her today to ask how her weather was - she lives further north where the storm is a lot worse. We talked for 15 mins which is a lot for us. I told her a little about AA and how my mtgs are going and about work. It was difficult for me not to get irritable but I was able to stay kind and patient. She sounded so grateful that I called. She said "Love ya" and I said "Love you bye" and got off the phone as quickly as possible. I can't feel that she loves me and I can't feel that I love her, but I think that is just my guard up. It was a good beginning.
I have to fix the things I can fix. This is progress that enables ME to be able to live with ME. It's slow and hard but doable. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, cousin, and friend. I just want to be a better participant in the relationships that are most important in my life. Working on it. Grateful I have family and friends today and relationships to look forward to.
I have been saying for months now that I wanted to try to allow her in a little more. It makes her day when I talk to her it seems. She told me she loved me and gave me a real hug a few months ago and it freaked me out. Not sure why. She never once told me that or hugged me like that before, even when I was a kid. I couldn't process it - It just made me angry for some reason.
So I called her today to ask how her weather was - she lives further north where the storm is a lot worse. We talked for 15 mins which is a lot for us. I told her a little about AA and how my mtgs are going and about work. It was difficult for me not to get irritable but I was able to stay kind and patient. She sounded so grateful that I called. She said "Love ya" and I said "Love you bye" and got off the phone as quickly as possible. I can't feel that she loves me and I can't feel that I love her, but I think that is just my guard up. It was a good beginning.
I have to fix the things I can fix. This is progress that enables ME to be able to live with ME. It's slow and hard but doable. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, cousin, and friend. I just want to be a better participant in the relationships that are most important in my life. Working on it. Grateful I have family and friends today and relationships to look forward to.
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