mom
I dunno. Just a difficult relationship. I think my mom is just short of being a saint. Only problem is I never thought she loved me. She was the invisible parent because I was so infatuated and obsessed with my dad. She has always wanted a relationship and I have always pushed her away. It's something I can't explain, but something I know I need to change. I would be devastated if anything happened to her before I could make things right.
I have been saying for months now that I wanted to try to allow her in a little more. It makes her day when I talk to her it seems. She told me she loved me and gave me a real hug a few months ago and it freaked me out. Not sure why. She never once told me that or hugged me like that before, even when I was a kid. I couldn't process it - It just made me angry for some reason.
So I called her today to ask how her weather was - she lives further north where the storm is a lot worse. We talked for 15 mins which is a lot for us. I told her a little about AA and how my mtgs are going and about work. It was difficult for me not to get irritable but I was able to stay kind and patient. She sounded so grateful that I called. She said "Love ya" and I said "Love you bye" and got off the phone as quickly as possible. I can't feel that she loves me and I can't feel that I love her, but I think that is just my guard up. It was a good beginning.
I have to fix the things I can fix. This is progress that enables ME to be able to live with ME. It's slow and hard but doable. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, cousin, and friend. I just want to be a better participant in the relationships that are most important in my life. Working on it. Grateful I have family and friends today and relationships to look forward to.
I have been saying for months now that I wanted to try to allow her in a little more. It makes her day when I talk to her it seems. She told me she loved me and gave me a real hug a few months ago and it freaked me out. Not sure why. She never once told me that or hugged me like that before, even when I was a kid. I couldn't process it - It just made me angry for some reason.
So I called her today to ask how her weather was - she lives further north where the storm is a lot worse. We talked for 15 mins which is a lot for us. I told her a little about AA and how my mtgs are going and about work. It was difficult for me not to get irritable but I was able to stay kind and patient. She sounded so grateful that I called. She said "Love ya" and I said "Love you bye" and got off the phone as quickly as possible. I can't feel that she loves me and I can't feel that I love her, but I think that is just my guard up. It was a good beginning.
I have to fix the things I can fix. This is progress that enables ME to be able to live with ME. It's slow and hard but doable. I want to be a better daughter, sister, aunt, niece, grand-daughter, cousin, and friend. I just want to be a better participant in the relationships that are most important in my life. Working on it. Grateful I have family and friends today and relationships to look forward to.
Replies
Wow, this sounds all too familiar! I, too, have difficulty letting people \"in,\" especially the ones that love me most. Baffles me, totally baffles me! But I am working on it, too. I\'ve been communicating with my parents a little bit more, trying to be patient and kind, just like you said! Funny how we alkies have such similarities.
I am reminded of the serenity prayer - \"the courage to change the things I can!\" I certainly want to fix my relationships before it\'s too late! I, too, am grateful that I have people that love me and care about me. Time to start showing my appreciation - another one day at a time!
I pray for us both that we make progress!
Love and hugs to you!
Denise
Thanks D. It\'s always nice when others can relate. ...For me it\'s about forgiveness I think. And not being angry and resentful anymore. Circumstances have changed for me. I am fortunate to have a caring mother even if she wasn\'t what I imagined she should have been when I was little. Moving on and making the best of it.
Yep, yep, and yep!!!!! lol I understand!
Sounds like she lives you very much. Might be time for you not to live in the past and start living in the now.