day 4

Pink cloud morning.  Felt good most of the day.   Wonder if it was my gratitude last night.  Thought all good stuff before going off to sleep. 
I was more mindful today.  I tried to recognize my negative thoughts and dismiss them. In most cases, my negative thinking isn't even real.  Only a few times today I started feeling some stress about some things.  One I decided to buy myself a little more time on - and then without the anxiety over it I was actually able to get a lot of it done.  Another - I was worrying about a client meeting tomorrow morning that I can't really prepare for so I just decided it wasn't worth worrying about.  It was a pretty productive day and overall good.   And then tonight I started feeling a little overwhelmed with the same thing that always gets me - how I am going to feel normal again and get the little things in my life together.  I reminded myself to stay in today and just try to take baby steps.
I really am feeling grateful today.  My husband out of nowhere cleaned the whole house and he did a pretty good job, even did my laundry.  Not sure what got into him but I appreciate it.  He has also been waking me up every morning after packing my lunch, turning on the heater in the bathroom for my shower, and putting all my work crap in the car for me.  I took the night off from any meetings so that I could just spend some time with him.  He likes TV and I hate it, but that's what we did and it was nice.  I am starting to realize how my resentments cloud up all the nice things he does for me.
I thought about a conversation I had last night with an AA friend.  She was at a meeting where I had announced my startover.  Real nice girl with about 9 mos sober and dealing with a lot of consequences from her drinking. She says to me afterward. "What happened?  Tell me about it - I wanna live vicariously through you. What did you drink?"  I was appalled.  See, this shit is NOT fun for me.  It hasn't been worth describing to anyone in that way in at least 3 years. Not fun at all.  I didn't even know what to say to her.  All I could muster was "It sucked ass - are you kidding?"  It was weird - I almost sensed that she was jealous.  I wasn't upset with her.  I actually felt sorry for her.  And all I could think is I am GLAD I don't enjoy drinking. I am GLAD it sucks every time.  If I still enjoyed it or envied other relapsers, I'm pretty sure I would not be in AA.  But she had "consequences" maybe of a different sort than mine. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say - I am just glad that I don't have any good reasons to drink anymore.
Kind of on a contradictory note... I have been questioning whether at my CORE I really want to stop drinking and believe at my CORE that I can never drink the way I used to.  I think I imagine that the last few years were somehow a big mistake - like I LET myself get out of control.  And if I could just get back to "functional alcoholic" everything would be okay.  I really don't understand what happened in the last few years, but I DO know without a doubt that I am an alcoholic and a slave to booze when I am actively drinking.  So, intellectually, I know that I need to give up the belief that I can ever functionally drink again, and I know even if I could it would be the same depressing hell that it was for the last 13 years of daily drinking.
Ok, back to gratitude... My life is a thousand times better sober.  No doubt.  I believe I can have a spiritual experience that will fill the void that I keep stuffing with shit.  I have a weird feeling of hope - just a glimpse - that I haven't really felt in awhile.