8 years ago, yes,

5 1/2 years done twice, 4 1/2 years done 3 times! This time around I anxiously awaited a 6 year chip, the first. Who knows how many times I had 6 months, 9 months, 3 months etc... I wasn't court ordered to my very first meeting back in 1987, I was fearing for my life. I didn't know about 12 steps believe it or not. I thought I was going to die. I had abandoned my children of 7, 5, and 2. I deserted a home full of stuff. I was homeless in NE WA, in the winter. I heard about NA first, in a bar where I was confessing that I could not quit using and drinking and I was afraid. I weighed 114 pounds when I came in that first time. I am 5' 9". I never slept. My whole life was a hussle to stay loaded. A man in that bar overheard me and invited me to my first meeting the next day. I was a needle using drug addict as well as a 24 hour drinker. I was homeless in a town of 700 people. I went to NA and was advised to go to AA too because of the necessity of lots of meetings and the sparseness of NA available. I was ashamed and thought those AA people would hate me. But I was welcomed with open arms and love. I was given my first big book and told to pay for it when I could. Even with my fear of death and all the love and acceptance I continued to drink and use. I checked myself into detox twice, hearing I could do that from people in meetings. I still couldn't get sober. Finally after 6 months of homelessness and knowing I could die at any minute, even totaling my car, I flew to Los Angeles, CA where my husband and children now lived and went to treatment. We were still married and his insurance paid for it. Being in the city was necessary for me, with it's hundreds of meetings, halls, and recovering people to choose from. I was in therapy and paid my first visit to a mental hospt. at 2 years sober. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I did the medication trials, one after another making me dangerously ill. I left the hospt. after 2 months with my HP, and 12 steps only. I was aware I had difficulties that other people didn't seem to have. I placed my mental concern above my desire to stay sober. I went to therapy and psychiatrists before going to meetings. I kept trying medications. I stayed sober that first round 5 1/2 years, but I picked up alcohol. I had lost the desire to hussle. I needed something free and easy, legal. I didn't want to search for drugs. Within 6 months I abandoned my family again to lose them forever, a loss that still hurts so much I cannot bear to think about it much. I still tried drinking 4 years, with many attempts at getting sober again. I was homeless again, moving in with an alcoholic man and his neglected kids. After 2 blackouts that when I came to, I was covered in my blood, I went to drug court, on my own. After 9 months I was again confronted with mental illness. This time I avoided doctors. I chose to smoke 1 hit of marijuana now and then to get me out of my seriousness. I still lived in this insane relationship with this alcoholic father. I went to meetings now and then but I felt different because I was using pot even though I did not abuse it. 4 1/2 years later I drank again. This time there was simply no relief. I knew alcohol had me and I would not be able to quit until it was done with me. I feared for my life again instantly. It was a long nightmare that lasted 48 days and yes, on Oct 28th, 8 years ago, I dragged myself back, to a locked door, knowing full well I had abandoned those with my disease. I took on leading that meeting. I moved out of that man's house and into a bigger town with more meetings. I became willing to do what ever it took. Doing the first year again was so so horrible. I have a healthy respect for addiction. I had to address a serious eating disorder that I thought I would carry to my grave. I had to seriously address my mental issues while remembering that addiction would kill me faster than anything else. What ever my mental diagnoses, drinking makes it 30x worse. I sponsor people today, many duel diagnosed. I have witnessed many suicides. I have hospitalized myself twice because I was afraid I would get loaded, the first step to my own suicide. I am still willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober. I have a wonderful life but my disease would have me think otherwise. So I know I live by grace. Even with it's pain, living is a gift and I would not go without this experience. I am grateful every day even when I am hearing things that tell me otherwise. It is a skill, a practice, that I learned from the 12 steps, and the way the whole program of being there for others, going to meetings no matter what, etc. I use all the tools. I have met the most interesting people in these rooms, walked through sickness and death with them, as well as the good times. I want to live to be old now. But I don't know if I get to. I don't know what I've done to myself. I go mostly without medication because it makes me so ill. I have a good handle on my eating disorder. My life is hard, but hard is not bad, they tell me. Keep coming back. Peace and love to everyone. Posted on 10/29/10, 02:52 pm