8 months today I lost my brad----by vader

Today it was 8 months since I found Brads lifeless body on the grass at our house in the Greenwood section of seattle.Brad was turned on his stomach and i saw all of the blood and that is when I knew.He was doa when i found him and he died on the grass.I said goodbye to him as I held him in my arms and i cried.I called the police 5  minutes later and everyone came out.The neighbors saw the police and the medical examiner and that when the bull started.Now in my neigborhood are a homeless couple who camp outside an abandoned house...but these homeless people work and they change their clothes everyday....when they saw the police they ran and hid under the cars! One is wanted for traffic tickets and he cant afford to pay them.What happened to these people I will tell later...but the trauma of this day is played over and over.Brad left me no note.After the police left,i foundan envelope and in it were the bills to be paid.He gave me the money to pay the bills and money for rent for 3 months.That right...all he gave me was 2,000 and I just had enough for the rent..Now I am doing better and i have saved all of my part time job money and I am in better financial shape.Brad was in a lot of pain.He was arrested for drunk driving in 2007.And in 2008 it was mostly court and such.He had to get a lawyer,from legal aid.He did time in jail for one month.That month was hl on earth because i havent worked a  full time job in 10 years...I did part time work and I worked at seasonal work and from 2002 to 20009 I was a bell ringer for the salvation army.I have been busy looking for work and sending resumes.I have applied to 5 different places and it is hard if you are 62 and I am going to sell some of my jewelry at the market on the 7th of Feb.The table will cost me 50.00 but i have to do it.I also signed up to sell Avon and I havent heard anything back as yet.On the 2nd of February...the employment councilor has to call K Mart back for I applied for the job as a greeter.Customer Service is what I have been doing.It is a hard job but someone has got to do it.I like to see other people happy and rewarded.We are in this life once and we must learn to get along with others.We cant always be gruffing for this and that.We must learn how to respect others and if you give respect you will get it back.Losing Brad made me realize how foolish I was to put all of my eggs into a relationship.I will never do this again.I didnt date much in high school.I was a wall flower who didnt go to the proms or dances.When I did date,it was always the guy that i didnt like that was interested in me and this hurt.I will never put a person on a pedestral again.This is wrong.You have got a right to your own life.And a relationship should be part of your world.....it shouldnt consume and be your world.Brad had a lot of attention.He was very spoiled....but no man will ever get this attention again.I have got to work.I have to pay bills and they must be on time.I have to take care of the house and I cant do all of these things when I am always with a man.When a man leaves.a part of you dies.A part of me has died.And I will never be whole again for I really loved Brad and no one or another person will take his place.No one.Brad got me things before he died and i will keep them.I sold the binoculars...I went to a pawn shop and I got 10.00.i am also selling the organs and musical equipment.I have got no use for it.And I will never be this broke or unhappy again...but i am still grieving and it hurts.Many people have left me.They dont know what to say.She hasnt spoken to me since Brad has died and she as far as I am concerned can go jump in a lake because I was always there for her.Brad told me before he died that some of the people who call me are fair weathered bird brains.And he was right...They havent spoken to me in 8 months and because of this nasty way that they are treating me they are on my s....................t list.And ihope that someday they will realize the painthat I am in and cant tell people except Daily Strength about.I love the people here and I will never forget their kindness or their friendship.;8 months.And I am still here.But today i am crying so i am going to finish my crying now and wipe my face.My mascara is running.I look like the Wicked Witch of the West.Thanks again.