8 Days Clean - Last Bet 11/12/14

I am back.  So much has happened since my last journal.  In July, I quit gambling.  I was clean for over 30 days.  Extremely depressed, suicidal, but seemed to be coming out of it.  On August 14, 2014 I was run off the expressway by a semi. I had our two girls in the van with me and our dogs.  My husband and son were ahead of me.  I was just starting to pass the semi, when for no reason at all, except to block me, he pulled over into my lane.  I went to the shoulder to avoid him, got hit anyways, ran into construction barrels that were along the shoulder, got pushed into a construction trailer and ended up in the ditch facing the expressway after being bounced and spun around a couple times.  My glasses went flying and I am blind basically without them.  My son's dog got out when I opened the door.  After chasing him for over a mile and a half and crossing a median, he was able to stop him unharmed.  Physically we had God's arms around us as we ended up with a few bruises, soreness, but nothing physically broke. We took our one daughter to emergency as she was definitely in shock.  Looking at our van and the circumstances, we were extremely lucky or spared.  The van was totaled.
 
Emotionally, I was shattered into a million pieces.  I started to gamble again on 8/17/14.  Two weeks to the day, I was coming back from taking our youngest daughter to a doctor 2 1/2 hours away.  I was in a rental car, I was cautious, it was raining.  Semi's everywhere on this expressway.  It reached a point where I had no choice but to pass a semi, or be stuck for a long time sandwiched between many semi's, which neither my daughter or myself felt comfortable with. I had a pick up truck that was on my tail.  I started to pass the semi - my car was a bright red, and yes, once again this semi decides he wants to pass the semi ahead of him and pulls right into my lane.  I'm heading for the shoulder, slamming on my brakes.  I am lucky the pick up truck didn't hit me from behind.  The two things that saved me is that this semi didn't actually hit me, and there weren't barrels to hit on the shoulder.  God once again saved us from physical harm.  I, unfortunately, completely lost all sense of control and my gambling spiraled out of control.  I could not stop, didn't want to stop, didn't care if I lived or died, but mostly wanted to die.  I was out of my mind with fear, anxiety, more fear, depression, and was totally and completely out of control.  Scared to death to drive, but made it through the day by gambling, because for that period of time, I didn't have to deal with what was going on in my mind.  I knew I wasn't in a good place in my mind, but couldn't stop.  I was totally afraid of where this would end up.  I couldn't tell my husband because I couldn't face his anger.  I couldn't stop.  FEAR and anxiety ruled every emotion and action.
Meanwhile, our son went to college.  Mid October we find out he is using again.  He and his girlfriend have broken up.  We are informed he has no plans on quitting the pot, and is only smoking on the weekend.  As time goes on, we find out he has used a lot more than that.  Then we find out he has been smoking pot every day for 3-4 weeks.  Before that, he came home and spent the entire weekend at a friend’s house getting high.  Two weeks ago, everything comes to a head.  College is not going well.  He has to drop a class, as he is failing.  Promises to stop all the drugs.  Problem is, he isn’t doing what it takes to be in recovery.  Found out today he has smoked at least once since saying he is stopping. 
So, in late September I know that I am in trouble.  I can’t stop.  I am paralyzed in fear and stuck in a never ending path to destruction.  I called a psychologist that had been mentioned in a GA meeting quite some time ago.  He told me I had to stop and come clean to my husband.  I told him I couldn’t stop, nor could I tell my husband.  I wanted to go to rehab.  He informs me that in our state, there is not a rehab for gambling and most insurances won’t pay for it anyways.   WHAT??  I AM GOING TO GO CRAZY!  I went back to see him the next week.  Nothing had changed.  I am driving this little old car (1997) that scares me to death.  He explained to me that I have PTSD, trauma, depression and anxiety disorder.  I was already on Wellbutrin for my depression.  He told me that I needed to get on Zoloft.  That Zoloft is the anti-depressant most effective for those that have gambling and alcohol addictions that are fueled by anxiety as mine is and are having difficulty getting it under control.
He also explained to me that there are basically 3 different factors in what prompts the need for anti-depressants.  First one is genetics.  If you have a parent or close relative that has depression, addiction, anxiety or anger, you could be a candidate to have problems in one or more of these as well.  My Dad was extremely angry, and shortly before he died, he started drinking.  Secondly, if you suffer a traumatic event (abuse, death, divorce, etc.) as an infant/toddler or at puberty more than likely you will have problems and need to be on an antidepressant for the rest of your life as your brain chemistry was changed in order to cope with the trauma.  Well, I qualified for that one as well.  Thirdly, if you suffer a traumatic event as an adult, then you may need to be on medication until you have worked through it, due to the anxiety, depression, etc. that goes along with that.  Not only did I have the accident, I had several traumatic events in the last 20 years.  Lucky me, I qualified for all three events that indicate I need to be on an antidepressant, not just short term, but for life.
He went on to explain serotonin to me and how my body was depleted of it and that my anxiety is sending me to gamble to try and replace my serotonin because when you gamble the chemical change is equivalent to that of someone on cocaine or sex.  Very powerful.  He also told me that he has counseled several compulsive gamblers and alcoholics that found it impossible to quit their addictions, until they got on Zoloft.  Zoloft allows your body to produce the serotonin and for it to actually build up so that you can feel better.  Without it, my tank is empty and my brain is looking to fill it, because I just cannot feel good.  Chemically, my body doesn’t have it.
Zoloft won’t stop me from gambling.  It is not a majic pill.  But it will help my body replace my serotonin, so that I can feel that I have the strength and will to fight gambling, without my body chemically betraying me to replace it in an unhealthy way.  It takes at least 4 weeks of taking it every day, and not missing a dose.  For me, the start of 50 mgs was not enough for me to feel much of a change.  We have upped my dosage to 75 mgs, 2 weeks ago, which I can now feel a little hope.  I still did not have the courage to tell my husband, as I did not want to feel his anger, and disappointment.  I did a horrendous amount of financial damage. 
I will stop with this, as it is late.  I must take care of myself and go to bed.  I will continue this journal hopefully tomorrow (Friday).