8/5/2015
I really enjoy writing a journal. I've always wanted to and I did start one before but burned it out of fear someone would read it and use it to hurt me. Writing here has helped me a lot even if no one is reading it.
Today I woke up late. I've been sleeping an abnormal amount of time lately and I don't know why. I can't seem to wake up even with an alarm before getting 10 hours of solid sleep. I feel dead when I wake up like I've been drugged.
After that I went to speak to my mom, just see what she had planned for the day. Out of no where she starts on me to go get a job at this store she loves to shop in. She finds a way to fuss at me every single time I speak to her. I've told her a million times by now I'm doing a small job online, but I can't make but X amount per month/year or I lose all my financial aid for college. I don't get why she constantly feels the need to nag me and tell me what to do like I don't already know or haven't been told twenty times the day before. I really bothers me that I can't have a normal conversation with my mother because she has to start telling me how to live my life every time.
Recently she asked me why I speak to my father the way I do and don't speak with her that way.. I didn't really know what to tell her that I haven't already told her countless times, but above is the reason. I speak to my dad and we share our daily activities, share past experiences, talk about randomness like religion and politics.. But he never once begins to bark orders at me or tell me I'm not doing life right. It's really nice to talk to him, he lets me vent and ramble without trying to tell me what to do. If I try to explain this to my mother she gets offended then starts to guilt trip me and it spills into a whole ordeal about our family in the past and how I was a horrible piece of shit of a child for her entire life, blah blah blah. I really can't make my mom understand what she's doing or how her words impact me (And my brother, he feels exactly as I do about this).
My parents are not evil or hateful, don't get the wrong idea. I'm most likely biased because I've had to live with them most of my life. My mom does a lot to help me and my dad is always there to talk with, but at the same time we don't see eye-to-eye on many things, like prejudice. They are from an older generation, so I don't expect them to change or understand... People didn't start changing and understanding things taboo to them until recently. They will always be stuck in that good ol' country life style (Even if they never did actually live that way). I still love them. Even if they become disgusted with me once they realize what I really am, I still will.
Today I woke up late. I've been sleeping an abnormal amount of time lately and I don't know why. I can't seem to wake up even with an alarm before getting 10 hours of solid sleep. I feel dead when I wake up like I've been drugged.
After that I went to speak to my mom, just see what she had planned for the day. Out of no where she starts on me to go get a job at this store she loves to shop in. She finds a way to fuss at me every single time I speak to her. I've told her a million times by now I'm doing a small job online, but I can't make but X amount per month/year or I lose all my financial aid for college. I don't get why she constantly feels the need to nag me and tell me what to do like I don't already know or haven't been told twenty times the day before. I really bothers me that I can't have a normal conversation with my mother because she has to start telling me how to live my life every time.
Recently she asked me why I speak to my father the way I do and don't speak with her that way.. I didn't really know what to tell her that I haven't already told her countless times, but above is the reason. I speak to my dad and we share our daily activities, share past experiences, talk about randomness like religion and politics.. But he never once begins to bark orders at me or tell me I'm not doing life right. It's really nice to talk to him, he lets me vent and ramble without trying to tell me what to do. If I try to explain this to my mother she gets offended then starts to guilt trip me and it spills into a whole ordeal about our family in the past and how I was a horrible piece of shit of a child for her entire life, blah blah blah. I really can't make my mom understand what she's doing or how her words impact me (And my brother, he feels exactly as I do about this).
My parents are not evil or hateful, don't get the wrong idea. I'm most likely biased because I've had to live with them most of my life. My mom does a lot to help me and my dad is always there to talk with, but at the same time we don't see eye-to-eye on many things, like prejudice. They are from an older generation, so I don't expect them to change or understand... People didn't start changing and understanding things taboo to them until recently. They will always be stuck in that good ol' country life style (Even if they never did actually live that way). I still love them. Even if they become disgusted with me once they realize what I really am, I still will.
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