8/5/13

Here we are, over 20 years later and I am so unhappily married. I scream, I cry, I beg and he just shuts down. When I tell him about being hurt he always turns an acccusing finger at me. He is not sensitive, therfore, any behavior he does that hurts my feelings does NOT have the same effect on him as it does me. Yet he turns it around  and he just doesn't care. I annoy him. My music is too loud, my music sucks, I steal his food (there is no OUR in our marriage).

I think he loves me and is used to me. If I died, he would miss me, but only because he is used to me. We see each other about 2 hours a day on average, what is to miss? Most of my day I spend it alone in the back bedroom blasting heavy metal (just like I did as a kid, MAJOR COPING MECHANSIM) and when I go to talk to him, sometimes he mutes the tv but still watches over my head. His lack of interest in me and what I have to say is so incredibly apparent and when I call him on it, he gets even more annoyed with me. He knows I am sad (because I just told him so), yet he just looks away from me and shuts me out.

I have been in this horrible mind-set situation for so many years, at the moment, all looks hopeless. So I escape to my music. I am not pouting, I am hiding.