I wrote this in answer to someone's post recently but thought it would be good for me to write it out again in my journal.
I find myself relating a lot to things written and said by people whose spouses have died. I mean no disrespect by this and hope no offense is taken. I suspect the reason I feel this way is because of the suddenness with which my marriage ended. One day everything was good and the next, he was gone. I have actually lost a lot of loved ones to death, but it has always been to disease, long slow death. I've never experienced sudden and, for me, catastrophic loss. 
I was reading a book tonight in which a man whose wife had died said, "Sometimes I felt like I had died too. They take a lot of you with them when they go. What is left can seem unrecognizable and inadequate to maintain." And I heard the "yes" in my brain - yes, that is exactly what I felt.
I spoke to a widow that I know well recently. It has been five years since her husband died and she said there is still not a day that she doesn't miss him. I said, "I think it is like losing your eyesight, or a limb, or something like that. It doesn't mean your life is over or even that you cannot experience happiness again. But it does mean that life - that YOU will never be the same again." She said, "Oh my god, you GET it. I try to talk to my sisters about it and they don't understand that."
My old state of 'normal' is gone forever. I have a new normal and even now, it still feels abnormal to me at times. I ache for him still the way a person aches in that shadow limb that is no longer there. The tendrils of my heart still flail in the ether, reaching out to something that is gone. 
The man that I love, the one that I lived with, is gone, completely gone. The man that lives over there, with another woman, is not him. He looks like quite a bit like him, his voice is very similar but when I look into his eyes, there is no recognition. It is SO disorienting. Sometimes I feel like I imagined the whole thing, that MY love never existed and was just a figment of my imagination. 
I am so profoundly lonely. I have friends and family and they are good to me but, at the end of the day, they have their lives and their families and I am here, alone. I think that some of what I am feeling is nonsense, that I have bought into the brainwashing that our society sells - that a middle-aged woman alone is pretty much worthless. I do feel that way - like I am of little purpose or worth in general. And then something rises up in me and says bullshit. It says that any human being of any age or gender or connection has worth. I know this to be true of other people; I would never judge another human this way so, logically, how can I judge myself this way?
If I could just reach out and take hold of my life, of my health. My brother is just recovering from a major heart attack and surgery and his cardiac nurse told me I need to talk to my GP about this. My cholesterol is very high and I am very overweight. I used to be a very active person, someone who ran and swam and hiked and went to the gym - and I liked it a lot. Now I am a very sedentary person who struggles to get out for a short walk. I don't cook anymore; I only graze. I know all the things that I should be doing; I am well-educated on all the mental and physical health aspects of exercise and eating well. But so far, I just can't seem to work up enough energy - I just can't seem to care enough to do anything for myself. 
Well. Tomorrow is another day. Maybe I will do better then.