Starting again from the bottom and it's frustrating. Started with a new therapist. I like her. My depression does not like her, so I'll consider that a good sign. She is all sickeningly bubbly and optimistic. She makes me say stupid things, like "I am nice" and I feel like an idiot. She's a big fan of affirmations...I used to be, but then they started to not work and they felt like ash on my tongue. I want to give it a try again, but getting over this inertia is difficult. I'm feeling embarrassed, if that makes sense. Each time I say an affirmation, I'm embarrassed and ashamed that I have to say it. I think I hate embarrassment more than I hate my depression. Yeah, that is true. I do hate my embarrassment more than my depression.
It's rolled into what I think others might be thinking about me. I know people say that people don't think about you nearly as much as you think and the things that you are obsessing about, other people have forgotten all about by now. And I'd like to believe that...but I'm the one that always remembers what other people do. I'm the one that analyzes every word and emotion and tries to figure out the nature of the person. I come to all these conclusions and judgments that help me feel comfortable talking to that person later. I want to qualify that these are not angry unyielding judgments...just conclusions that help to choose which words to use, which motions to repeat, even which clothing to wear, depending on the person. It's all about me, really. How selfish.
I'm thinking that every mental illness comes from selfishness. From what I've seen, crazy is being so absorbed with yourself that you can't balance inner and outer worlds. Even the person who sacrifices everything for others gets their satisfaction from knowing that THEY are the unsung hero and THEY make everything happen and THEY are the secret weapon. I can't think of a situation where that's not the case...though I have to be sure to say that there COULD be another way, lest my invisible reader judge me harsh and unyielding...see? I'm protecting myself from a judgment that has not been made and might never be made in the first place...but I'm still protecting myself from it...hence Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
Whew...life is crazy. I wonder if I'll every get the hang of it.
 

Replies

lostlife65
lostlife65

I understand about the affirmations and feeling awkward and embarrassed to say it. I felt the same way when I saw someone who wanted me to repeat them out loud. I wonder too if I will figure out how to live life the way it was meant to be. Good that you are seeing someone new and trying to move forward. Good luck.