It's been a while since I wrote an up date on my journal. I cannot believe Ryan has been gone for 6yrs. 8 months now. Christmas is probally my hardest holiday without Ryan. I need to go through pictures so I can share them with you moms, it is time to walk through my fears and just do it..So many things I haven't done yet, it frustrates me to no end, its keeping me sick, stuck, full of anxiety, depressed. I am no-where as depressed as I was at the beginning, (the 1st couple of years), each year is different, we learn how to cope with feelings we never experienced before. The pain isn't unbearable like it was, I JUST MISS RYAN SO MUCH MORE NOW THAN BEFORE!!! The longer Ryan's been gone the more I miss him...The Sadness every day is a hugh struggle, everytime I have feelings of happiness or excitement, I get glimpes of a let down, my heart sinks...OK Enough of this, I needed to vent... I think this is why I don't journal like I would like to. I've always put on a happy face and not show how I really felt...
On a positive note my daughter Erica and her hubby will be coming home for Christmas, probally driving there car home from New Jersey this time...On Thanksgiving her husband Chris got the airplane for 5 days and flew home... It scares me cause it is a single engine plane and when I went to drop them off at the Pease AFB in Porstmouth NH., 20 minutes from my house...I went over to the plane to look inside of it, "I said Wholly Sh-t, this plane is tiny inside, it looked like it was 4ft wide inside. It scares me knowing shes flying to N.J. and home,, quite often in the last year, it only takes them 2 hours to fly, driving time 6 hours...They randomly flew home like 3 times to surprise me, Erica comes walking in the house around 10 or 11 at night.. Jake my dog starts barking as Erica comes around the corner of my bedroom..I scream OMG ERICA!! I jump up and grab her so tight I don't want to let her go.. Erica was 14 almost 15 when her brother died, now she is 21 and married to a wonderful guy who worships the ground she walks on. I never thought in a million years she would be in the sky flying an airplane with her husband..I told her her life reminds me of the book fifty shades, she hasn't read it, I told her alittle about it.. Not everything about it, but the reason why I said that is cause she told me her and Chris have great sex, HAHAHA!! She would kill me if I told you that, I think, LOL....
I did fly to NJ to visit Erica & Chris in Oct, for my birthday, they live on McGuire AFB, she manages 2 coffee shops and goes to dental school at night...They were going to take me up in the little airplane, but I ended up with a bad headache for the 1st 2 days, so Chris canseled it... That is Ok after I saw how small the airplane was, LOL...We went out to dinner, we shopped, they took me down to Jersey Shore where Snookie and the gang hangs out for the summer.. 3 weeks later Hurricane Sandy destroyed all around the coast of NJ, NY, and where ever else Sandy destroyed..Geeezzz how devastating that was and still is, omg...
Anyway, I have been trying to keep busy, this weekend I think I'll go pick out a christmas and decorate, I have to decorate my parents side of the house also. We have our whole family over for Christmas every year, my 2 brothers, each have 3 adult children with their boyfriends, one niece is married with a year and a half old little girl...My great niece Addison, great grandchild to my parents... Christmas is starting to be fun again now we have alittle one around, we need more of them.. I wish Erica would have a baby, but she doesn't want to for atleast 5 more years, I don't blame her, I didn't have my 1st until I was 28 which was my Ryan. O BOY I can't go there....Time to go now... I wish everyone happy holidays, and hope you all find some peace through it all, remember it will be over in 3 and a half weeks.....UNLESS Doomsday comes on 12/21/12, then we all will be celebrating Christmas in heaven... Although at one time I would wish for it to happen, but I really want to live life to a happy destination.....Love you Sisters, Heart to Heart Hugs, Kelly
On a positive note my daughter Erica and her hubby will be coming home for Christmas, probally driving there car home from New Jersey this time...On Thanksgiving her husband Chris got the airplane for 5 days and flew home... It scares me cause it is a single engine plane and when I went to drop them off at the Pease AFB in Porstmouth NH., 20 minutes from my house...I went over to the plane to look inside of it, "I said Wholly Sh-t, this plane is tiny inside, it looked like it was 4ft wide inside. It scares me knowing shes flying to N.J. and home,, quite often in the last year, it only takes them 2 hours to fly, driving time 6 hours...They randomly flew home like 3 times to surprise me, Erica comes walking in the house around 10 or 11 at night.. Jake my dog starts barking as Erica comes around the corner of my bedroom..I scream OMG ERICA!! I jump up and grab her so tight I don't want to let her go.. Erica was 14 almost 15 when her brother died, now she is 21 and married to a wonderful guy who worships the ground she walks on. I never thought in a million years she would be in the sky flying an airplane with her husband..I told her her life reminds me of the book fifty shades, she hasn't read it, I told her alittle about it.. Not everything about it, but the reason why I said that is cause she told me her and Chris have great sex, HAHAHA!! She would kill me if I told you that, I think, LOL....
I did fly to NJ to visit Erica & Chris in Oct, for my birthday, they live on McGuire AFB, she manages 2 coffee shops and goes to dental school at night...They were going to take me up in the little airplane, but I ended up with a bad headache for the 1st 2 days, so Chris canseled it... That is Ok after I saw how small the airplane was, LOL...We went out to dinner, we shopped, they took me down to Jersey Shore where Snookie and the gang hangs out for the summer.. 3 weeks later Hurricane Sandy destroyed all around the coast of NJ, NY, and where ever else Sandy destroyed..Geeezzz how devastating that was and still is, omg...
Anyway, I have been trying to keep busy, this weekend I think I'll go pick out a christmas and decorate, I have to decorate my parents side of the house also. We have our whole family over for Christmas every year, my 2 brothers, each have 3 adult children with their boyfriends, one niece is married with a year and a half old little girl...My great niece Addison, great grandchild to my parents... Christmas is starting to be fun again now we have alittle one around, we need more of them.. I wish Erica would have a baby, but she doesn't want to for atleast 5 more years, I don't blame her, I didn't have my 1st until I was 28 which was my Ryan. O BOY I can't go there....Time to go now... I wish everyone happy holidays, and hope you all find some peace through it all, remember it will be over in 3 and a half weeks.....UNLESS Doomsday comes on 12/21/12, then we all will be celebrating Christmas in heaven... Although at one time I would wish for it to happen, but I really want to live life to a happy destination.....Love you Sisters, Heart to Heart Hugs, Kelly
Replies
It was good hearing from you again...you\'ve been gone too long. Christmas is a tough time for me too. Melissa was gone 4 years the day after Thanksgiving and Christmas was her favorite holiday...so was always so excited about it. I still can\'t listen to Christmas carols or decorate the house. I don\'t have any grandchildren and it doesn\'t look like I ever will. I know if I did, Christmas would be much easier...Glad Erica is doing well. She sounds like a wonderful young lady. Hugs and love to all of my sisters, Connie
Haven\'t thought about the doomsday thing..ok to go to heaven as long as all my grands and Kate go too. I remember when we were in Mexico and first heard about the myan calendar endin in 2012. That was in 2001 and my girls were both fine and never thought bad about it or that bad things could happen to me
Hugs
Just wanted to let you know that I read your journal. Kind of busy tonight. We will always miss our babies...forever and ever but smile when you think of him or better yet think of a funny incident and laugh with Ryan. Hugs, Peggy
You write just like you talk,,,,,I can hear you telling me these stories...and I smile,,,and I miss you,,,,,love ya!!
Thank you for sharing your journal with us. Hope you find some peace also.
Wow - your sentiments are mine as well. Glad you came to vent!! I\'m always glad to hear from you any time about anything!
Christmas is really a downer these days. It was such a tradition and Lisa was so excited - she loved all the planning, decorating shopping.
I haven\'t looked at the Christmas photos or videos yet. I just know I will cry but I think it is about time.
I love your smile and happy happy you, but I love the sad you too.
Erica sounds terrific! I chuckled when you said she told you they had great sex! Great sex is a plus. I am glad she found such a wonderful husband.
Take care of yourself as you approach this very hectic time of year!! It sounds like you are going to be busy.
Re Doomsday - I am okay either way.
Love and hugs, Marlene
The beauty about this place is we don\'t have to wear a mask, we can say what we feel and know we are not judged and there are Mom\'s on here that know exactly how we feel.
I laughed when you told us about Erica and Chris\'s sex life....Great sex makes for a great marriage...But yes I think she would kill you if she knew you said that.
You too have a wonderful Christmas...unless as you say doomsday happens on 12/21/12 -- Sometimes I wish it would happen -- just imagine no more worries and eternal bliss all together with those that have departed along with all our loved ones still here.
Sending love, Terry
Hi Kelly, So good to hear about you and how life is becoming something better these days. The pictures have really helped me...going through them and knowing that Greg was very firmly and actively part of our lives for thos wonderful 19 year. Somehow, looking at the pictures keeps him real for me and I am starting to hear his voice more now and actually remember the events in the pictures. Just like you....I miss Greg more and more as time goes on. Thanks for updating us on your life and your lovely daughter Erica. Don\'t worry about the small plane....it is safer than getting in a car and driving down the road!!! Love you, Anne
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!! And like Nora said, I can HEAR you talking as I read this....yep, this is Kelly!!!! You\'re always a burst of energy and a bright light of hope...even if you\'re venting about something. Just love that about you!!
I\'m glad to know you\'re feeling like putting up a tree and decorating the house and that family will be coming over to celebrate!! I hope it\'s a magical and special and FUN as you deserve it to be!!!
Like you sweet friend, I find myself not in the agony of the loss so much anymore, but missing Kala SO much more it seems.... I wonder if this too is a \"phase\" we will walk through in time or if this is the final phase that remains with us???
As far as Kala\'s question, personally i think it is the final phase but that final phase also gets less intense. The roar of missing quiets to a gentle expectancy of reunion, at least that\'s what I\'ve found, after 27 years....
Thank you for sharing your feelings...you are so right about how we learn to cope with feelings we\'ve never experienced before. And we just get more \"skilled\" at dealing with things we never should have had to deal with! Practice and repetition drill it all into us...Love, Donna
Great to hear from you, Kelly. I do believe the longer our children are gone from us, the more we miss them. I don\'t see it being anything but sorrow time at Christmas and other what-used to -be happy events. I know that you sound like you have more peace and that is good, especially for your daughter and little ones around. Sometimes we just cope by being what we wish we could be like all the time...what was us before our sons went to heaven. I just cope by knowing that Brandon is in heaven where all the real celebration of life is all the time....there is no set season to be \"happy\" in heaven...it is ALWAYS. Just think on that when you feel the sadness setting in.....have a wonderful Christmas with your loved one....blessings, dale, brandon\'s mom
Yes, I agree it feels just like a conversation with you dear Kelly. Just love that authentic and loving quality about you.
Now, those babies may not be five years away if your daughter keeps up with all that fun! LOL! I\'m sure she would roll her eyes and say, \"Yep, that\'s my mom.\" :)
Grateful for the path of healing that is yours and your willingness to share always. I think that I learned early on that no matter how I\'m feeling all I need to do is come here and I will feel validated, held and lovingly supported. All of it is okay to share dear friend so continue to do just that as you are.
Love thinking of the Christmas decoarations and your family gathering. Most of all your laughter, your smile and how each of them will feel better after being in your presence. That\'s just who YOU are dear Kelly.
In gratitude for your sharing always and you were in a hot air balloon! Come on girl... YOU can do it!
Lots of love,
XO Joanie
Great to hear from you, Kelly! And YEP, reading this was just like standing out on our balcony in Utah and listening to you talk. I can even picture you telling me these things and BOY, do I miss you!!! I am so proud and happy for Erica. Geez, I have only known her for a few years but feel like I watched her grow up HAHA. Love you, Belinda
Your house will be fun at Christmass the little ones make it all worth it. Keep talking dont let anyone tell you not to , I enjoy reading your journals....
Big Hugs Penny
Hi Kelly, I am catching up on journals and we made it through doomsday,lol. Glad to hear Erica is married to a good guy that loves her..God bless! Gentle hugs as I know the holidays make the reality of missing our kids that much harder. Love to you and Ryan, Linda