I haven't written anything in a long time... you all have been my life line...It is so hard to believe the Christmas is coming in 26 days...B/C of problems with the FMO site, made me realize how much I missed you guys... I haven't felt like I had anything good to offer, so I had a long brain cramp or something ,lol.... I fell into a rut going off one of my anti-depressants, which I think has been numbing my body mind and soul, my emotions were all over the place...As time went on without the medication, I would have hugh moments of clarity...Between going through menopause and waking up with migraines every morning, I thought I was cracking up...I wasssssss, nuts,lol...The medication (Amitriptyline, 25mg) I was on made me feel mentally retarded...It was 1 of the 3 antidepressants I was on... I also think it made me gain 40-lbs...The reason why is when I was taking it, it made me sleep all night, I loved that part though... Now without it, I get up to peeeeee at least 3 times a night, I lay awake most of the night while a slide show goes through my mind with all bad and depressing things, it sucks so bad...That sadness every morning is something we have to live with, some days are better then other days, the mood swings are crazzzzy...Soooooo, anyway!!! For the moms who don't know me, my name is Kelly, I lost my son Ryan 5 1/2 years ago, from a accidental drug overdose... The fear trying to survive that dreadful excrusiating pain and despair, uses up so much energy... I've had these experiences, intuition, premonations, coincodences, overwhelming feelings and visions, before and after my son Ryan's spirit left his body...Acceptance, is the hardest emotion Ever... "Accept the things we cannot change"... Thats the battle we all have to learn...I don't think I'll ever accept it all..
Good Friday night, Ryan made a fatal mistake on Easter Weekend, April 15, 2006 Saturday morning was the worst day of my life. When I found him face down on the floor of my daughter Erica's bedroom. Erica had woke up, she yelled downstairs, MOM, RYAN doesn't look like he's breathing ... OMG, I screamed as I ran upstairs, as I entered her room, I frooze at the doorway..Looking at him laying there, I knew he was dead, I ran in, rolled him over and Ryans whole life flashed in front of me as they say it does when we die, life flashing through my head so fast, the same time my emotions went from "how am I going live without him" million thoughts at once, then the last word I thought of is acceptance, all in seconds. I ran to the phone, called 911, I screamed "help me my son is dead"... They told me to give him CPR, I did and as I was screaming, the paramedics were there and took over...The minute I saw Ryan's face, I knew his spirit was gone out of his body, Ryan's soul was gone to heaven, his body was only a shell...I know, I felt it, I just know my son, he was on his journey to heaven...From that feeling, I believed something was much more to life, his body was only a shell.. All I could say is how am I gonna do this, with my hands up over my face, scared to death of the fear of living my life without my 18 year old baby boy. My oldest and only boy, he was my life, he is my soulmate.. My heart shattered in a million pieces..All I had to hold on to is blind faith, believing something, a God of my own understanding..I prayed to my God, from the very beginning...Please help me and my family get through this tradgedy...Ryan and I had a special bond, he knew I needed God to let me know he was fine, and is with our heavenly father...Right away that night without Ryan, having to go to bed and wake up in fear of never seeing him again...As time goes on we learn how to live with a new life without our child, it takes alot of energy and alot of heartache...In the last few months, coming off the Amitriptyline meds, it felt as though I relapsed back into the worst part of the grieving process of losing Ryan all over again...All of a sudden I realized I'm grieving the loss of Erica my daughter. Its in my 2nd year without her in my life, so its all intertwined together, the loss of Ryan and Erica... The empty nest syndrome...My daughter Erica moved away a year and a 1/2 ago, with her boyfriend Chris at the airforce base in New Jersey, its a 6 hour drive from our home town in New Hampshire, over here on the north east coast...By the way this is the end of november and the weather is unbelievable warm for New England...I'm hoping the winter won't seem as long b/c of it.....I will be back soon, too much computer gives me a stiff neck and bad headache, urrrrrr I hate to complain, but I wanted to let you all know I'm still here....I love you all, sisters at heart!XOXO Kelly
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Oh Kelly, I missed you my friend! I read your journal twice over and really felt all of your words, so much experience and wisdom in them. My roller coaster goes up and down 24/7, but I don\'t cry every day anymore. It has been pretty warm here in the Northeast, right? Let\'s see how long this lasts. I sure hope to see you in July at our 2012 retreat. Please give my regards to Erica. Laura is holding her own. She lives in the city with Jared\'s former girlfriend. Hopefully, Laura will join me on the retreat. I hope your days ahead are good and peaceful. I love you too my sweet friend! Big Hugs, Diane
Just sending you gentle ((hugs)) of welcome back Kelly.
:-) Patricia
Kelly, your post is so real and painful as you describe what you have been through. I have missed you being here at DS. I know without doubt that anti-depressants can cause as much pain to be off of as it does to be on it and be numb to something that you should have been feeling all along. Grief has to be experienced and felt, unfortunately, in order to deal with it and all its phases. Otherwise, if you are numbed by meds it just delays the process as you have found out. All that you have mentioned here about emotions is something my middle daughter has had to contend with. In recent months she has weaned herself from all anti-depressants and has felt these torrents of emotion that has had her going up and down, back and forth, in and out of every emotion that she should have been facing since our Brandon passed into Heaven. It is fresh all over again to her....and me, from watching her go through it all. She did affirm that she felt what Brandon must have been feeling while so depressed. It sucks.
I pray that you will be better and able to manage those terrible feelings when they invade your life. You have a double whammy with Erica being gone...I can just bet you and her are on the phone or texting all the time....holding you in my heart and thoughts.. love, dale...brandon\'s mom
I forgot to add that Vanessa is actually feeling somewhat better OFF of all those mind altering drugs....it works for her... I hope it works for you, too. Also, I just purchased a course about Anxiety and Depression (comes with CDs and workbooks) hoping it will help her where the so-called dr.s have failed. God bless...
Hi Kelly; I am glad you are back! I am so sorry you are having problems coming off amitriptyline. I understand that feeling of dullness when on that med, but you are right, it did help me sleep. I am now on Zoloft and Wellbutrin. I take a small dose of Trazadone for sleep. I still cry but can cope with things better.
Thank you for sharing that dreadful day you lost your beloved Ryan. I had a similar bond with Lisa. She lived in Ottawa - across the country. But we spoke on the phone daily. When we were living abroad, she was the one who phoned regularly. I so miss those calls. Every time the phone rings, I am reminded it will never again be Lisa saying \"Hi Mummy\".
This time of year is so difficult. I know the only people who really understand are the sisters on FMO. I don\'t know how I would cope without the support. I have become somewhat used to the roller coaster that is my life. I now know that when I am at the bottom, it will go up again.
I wish you peace and love during this coming month.
Love and hugs,
Marlene
Hey Kelly, so glad to hear from you!!!! Take care of yourself and hopefully we will all be able to reconnect in July. I\'m starting to save my dollars!!!! Lots of love and hugs...Lynn
I have missed you, Kelly! I am SO glad you are back! Your story is so heartbreaking and yet filled with Hope. I know that the meds withdrawal hasn\'t made things easier. And hormone upheavals I know all too well (I am way past that \"average age\" of menopause).
Thank you for letting us know that you are still here...
Love you and missed you, Donna (known as \"surviorgal\" when first joined DS and later, FMO).
Kelly, I wish you peace and healing day by day. You are loved...Linda
So good to hear from you...please take care of yourself....love you...
You are loved my friend and have been MISSED! I am thinking of you dear Kelly and our paths are so similiar... I hope that I have told you how often the words you have shared have helped me so much. I don\'t think you realize the ripples of healing you have created... they have washed over me many times and allowed me to see things in a new way. In gratitude to you my friend and continued healing for us all. Much love, Joanie
I love you and like everyone else, I\'ve missed you like crazy! I came off my anti-depressants this year...Jan 3, and luckily I didn\'t have any major withdrawals or setbacks...I was on Pristiq. Like you I believe in taking meds that help for as long as needed, but whenever possible, \"natural\" is the best way to go. You\'ve got a lot of \"stuff\" going on with coming off the med, entering menopause, missing Erica, and of course handsome Ryan....so much to handle. But I know you are determined and you ARE strong in spirit and will, and I know you can, will, and ARE living your life. Like Joanie said, you inspire us all much more than you realize. I love you my friend and hope to see you in July for our 2012 retreat!! Giant hugs, Teri.
Glad that you are still hanging in there. Hugs, Angela
I love you, Kelly...I cry as I think of the horror of finding Ryan. Michael died the same way but I was spared being the one to find him. I have never been on any RX drugs for what happened...guess it was enough for me to self-medicate with beer. We have come a long way, my sweet friend!