I always believed in something/God/a spirit etc., right from when I was a little girl...I was always a dreamer.  I had feelings and glimpes of fear, of something wrong, or something was gonna happen, but I didn't know what.  Through out my whole life, my problem was trying to explain myself, or not knowing how to put what I felt down on paper. Now I'm thinking,  it was feelings,  God had the plans the whole time. My son/Ryan was suppose to die. Through out my sons life,  certain things happened to my son, or just the fact of how special he was/is, to me, things that Ryan did, things that would happen, would make me have fearful/glimpes/overwheming feelings etc.,  To the point I would say to myself, Please God, make sure nothing happens to him. Then I would forget about it , & life would go on.. Ryan was my 1st born, my wish was to have a boy 1st, Tall dark & handsome, & 2nd have a girl with blond hair & blue eyes... Which came true...I loved both my Children the same, just in different ways, which is very hard to explain to my daughter.. My daughter had some issues with thinking, I loved Ryan more than her. WOW! trying to tell her, that I loved her as much, but she will not know what I'm talking about until she has children..Ryan was 4 months shy of 19 when he died, Erica was 5 months shy of 15 when her brother died.. Now she is 18, almost her brothers age when he died.. OK, I'm getting tired, and I want to continue to write all my thoughts, I have been building up, & I have found, if I write them down, something magical happens...I need to write more often, to help me focus on living better without the fears of live.                                                                                                      OK, I ened the story with hot flashes, I'll finish at another time.