Update: My new therapist is awesome. She is the fifth one I have been to. She actually makes me mad from time to time, and that’s what I need. She has hit every point I want to bring up before I can bring it up. I am going once a week.  The other stuff: On Friday February 27, 2009 I called work to ask, and I found out, he got Death.  I really did not want to go to work at all. The death and retaliation threats are now real from his fellow Gang Members inside and outside jail. I waited until the last minute to go to work and not be late. In the last three days I found a lot out about myself, or just reconfirmed what I already knew. I met several Friends of his in different locations, and even his Father in the last three days. I had been working around them for two to eight months and did not know their correlations to each other. Conversations over ‘general topics’ has, does, and will occur in-between Officers and Inmates. I do not give or get personal information unless I need to write a report on that particular inmate. I treat all Inmates with a fresh start. We, as Officers, discus personal beliefs ‘off the record’ as a general tool to watch for possible threats to others or one’s self. I have and always been against the death penalty and the Inmates know this. While all the ‘little pieces’ fell in to place this week, I found out how real the possibility of death to me is. One instances that sticks out was his ‘family’ or ‘bro’s’ really being down about waiting his sentencing. They were talking about it using his street name. And then it clicked who they were talking about. Talking right in front of me, with back up from 45 seconds to over an hour away, and nothing to defend my self but the two lines painted on the floor. No bars, no walls, no doors, nothing. If they know what they are doing, a human can bleed out from a cut or stab in 25 seconds. A broken neck is just as quick, if not quicker. My morals and firm but fair working style is all I have. I will not give them anything they are not allowed by policy and or law. For that I am respected. His fellow ‘Members’ knew I had to testify against him, I do not know how, Inmates have an amazing information network, but they knew. I know without a doubt, my belief against the death penalty saved me at that point in time, and another time on the day he was sentenced. In a different Housing area another Inmate came up to me and asked has my ‘Bro’ been sentenced yet? I can not give out any information about another Inmate to any Inmate. The grey line to that is the information was broadcast or published through the news, and it had been. I had the choice not to tell the man in front of me covered in teardrop and gang tattoos. He came to me with a sincere concern for his ‘Brother.’ It is not my place to judge, nor will I judge, the relationships of Gang Members – weather they are right or wrong. I do not judge the relationships of married couples in the same way. I choose to tell him his ‘Bro’ was sentenced to death. I told him in a professional and respectful manor. He took it and walked away. I asked him later if he was alright, and how he was taking the news. He thanked me and said he will get through it, that his ‘Bro’ has appeals, it ain’t over. I told him because another Officer may have told him in a less than professional manner, and could have been hurt by him. He could have found out at breakfast and could hurt another Inmate to ‘save face.’ I do not believe that Davila needs to be let back into society for any reason, and that opinion will not be shared with any Inmate. I made it through the entire shift, even working with a less than professional Rookie all night. On the way home I cried for Davila’s future in death. I still think that I was the one testimony that turned the one Juror, even though it was all on video that night I dealt with him, how he acted after being restrained and sprayed with O.C. spray. But the Jurors did not see the video, they just got my statement. I hope some good will come of this, if just to one soul. Maybe his fellow members will think twice before pulling the trigger. Hopefully the good has started. I have always known the professional distance in between Officers and Inmates. I have had no contact, and will have no contact, personally on or off duty with Davila. I just cried for him. I truly hate and love him with every last stitch of my existence. I hate and love him for starting my Hell to Recovery as a Survivor of my own rape so long ago. He has, and will never know my feelings.