wow

It's been almost a year since I wrote?  Jeez.  I need to say some things.  That I have to remind myself that a lot of my misery is self-inflicted.  I let my mind go places that it shouldn't.  Guilt.  What ifs.  Self-pity.  Blame.  Self-destruction.  I need to concentrate on my blessings, my beautiful family, my job, even being an American.  And that in the time I have left on earth, I should be trying to make it a better place, mainly by helping others.  Instead of wishing I were dead.  It's just hard to stay on track that way.  I think about my son Joe & how much I miss him and that it's really true that he's gone, and how he must have suffered, and I just wallow in sadness & pain and want to die.  I tell myself to think good thoughts.I know that when I go to the Compassionate Friends meetings, it just puts me into the negative too much & I can't stop crying.  Same thing on this website sometimes, so that's why I kept away.  right now I am feeling strong and can write without crying.  I'm trying to stick to just putting my thoughts at the moment down.  I just want to say that my son was a wonderful human being and i don't ever want the world to forget him.   I cannot wait to see him again.