I am so so down. haven't been this bad for months. saw a tv judge show today because i've been home sick, & this mom was suing her son, who looked a little like my joe. at the end, they hugged. and i just thought, i will never hug my son again.  and it just hit me like a freight train & I started bawling, just like it's making me do right now.  i wish this would end. i keep looking for signs, a butterfly almost flew into me & i'm like, Joe!  is that pathetic, or is that real?  i don't know anymore. then i found a penny. then i heard his songs.  i just don't know.  i don't know what i'm supposed to do. no one prepares you for this, no one is an expert. i take care of joe's grave like it's going to help somehow.  is it just for me?  well, so?  i guess it IS just for me.  well, also to honor him, to show the world that someone cares, whatever part of the world happens to walk by his grave.  i would go there everyday if i could.