This is my first journal entry (3/24/07). My son Joe passed away 4/22/06. First of all, I want everyone to know he was a wonderful person and we were so proud of him, and I want to keep his memory alive for as long as I live.
Personally, the loss has been unbearable for me, we were very close. On top of that, it was a suicide, so along with grief, we have doubts, the what-if's, maybe if's, and the why's. The first thing we said was, nobody is to blame for this, and then we tried to understand, but it's something you will never understand.
We have good stretches of time & bad stretches, but overall, I feel like I can't go on for years if it's going to be like this. My life has become out of control, I am in a fog, not all the time but a lot. I quit taking my meds & vitamins. I blew off our anniversay, even my birthday. I think about my son like one minute out of every 5, he's always on my mind. Maybe I'm going crazy. Stupidly, I know this may be normal, I know what I should be doing to make myself better, but I'm like a lump, just want it all to be over. I know, too much self-pity, I know. Maybe if I got involved helping others or something. Right, in my spare time. My house is a disaster area, I should be cleaning right now. Aahhhhggghhh!