Broken

I feel broken. That's the only way I know how to describe the pain that I'm feeling. The logical part of me knows and accepts that he's a sociopath. I've done a lot of reading. I've related my personal experiences to what I've read, I've acknowledged he has a lot of sociopathic traits, and therefore, the relationship could never work. However, I'm still hurt. I'm so very hurt. Some days are better than others. Some days I can smile and laugh. Some days I don't cry as much. But I cry every day. I feel broken. I feel like he's broken me, and I feel as though I let him. Even when I realized something wasn't right, I chose to believe him, I chose to forgive him for the cheating, I chose to stay with him even after his "rough housing" and "play fighting" went too far, I chose to put up with him berating me and telling me how much of a horrible person I was. I wanted to show him that I wasn't the things he thought. I wanted to show him I was the girl he fell in love with. I didn't understand he wasn't the man I fell in love with. I didn't realize his mask had fallen off, and it's still hard to come to terms with. It's only been two weeks since I ended it, but I still think sometimes that it was partially my fault. I still think sometimes that if I had done something different, this wouldn't have happened. Every time I feel like I'm making progress, I find myself crying all over again. I feel broken because despite how much he emotionally and physically abused me, I still love him. I feel broken because even the most basic functions have become a huge chore I can't complete. I feel broken because I'm crying every day. I feel broken because I still think about him way too much. I know I have to be patient with myself; I've given the same advice to other people going through this. However, the pain I'm going through is so intense that I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. I know I'll be fine one day, but right now, I'm broken, and I haven't figured out how to pick up the pieces yet, much less put them back together.