Life
So today I am writing to a friend... and I decided to include what I wrote in my journal. Most of all I want my friends to understand the reason I'm sharing. I honestly share so that if my struggle can help someone in their own struggles. I know so well that so many of us have a lot of the same struggles... we feel so alone but the truth is we're not.
I know that for a long time I went down down down after Cara died. Some of it was due to illness I had before Cara died... I have fought depression my whole life... Its a lot more than just depression actually... I do not know why from a very young age I felt basically that I wasn't good enough... that pretty much everyone thought bad things about me... Its just something that happens to some people... I'm past thinking I'll be healed in this life... I'd just kind of like to know why... what thought processes does my mind have that causes me to be so sad and mad... If its the crap that happened in childhood... why was my reaction to basically hate myself... even more than I think others did...
I'm not telling you all this to make you feel pity for me... but because I know from your writing you fight yourself like I do. The psychologist I see now diagnosed me just a little over 2 years ago with dysthymia... I have had a number of diagnoses over the years... and in one way naming it doesn't matter... but it helped in some part....
I had never been comfortable with the initial Bipolar diagnosis... I never had many highs... some but not many... and few really manic highs but then they came up with the Bipolar II diagnoses... that is for those people who seem to have mostly the lows
but I never heard about the propensity to have a negative self image that the description of dysthymia talks of... anyway when I read up on dysthymia... the description seems to be the most comprehensive for me... and so it was somewhat of a comfort to feel like I had a name for what's wrong...
I think I may have shared this info with you before... My reason for sharing it today... is if you cut off your 2 lifelong friends maybe because they couldn't comfort you and maybe a little less than kind... maybe its got more to do with you than them... I find it frustrating that family and I have few friends can't understand how starkly painful my life is... so full of sadness because I just hate how things are... but I do understand better when I consider in all fairness that I doubt I'd understand so well this hell if I wasn't living it and my life isn't all hell... but the part that is... colors all the rest...
Much of my life has been tainted by my illness... I acknowledge that if Cara were alive and doing wonderfully... I'd still be fat... I'd still be getting old... I'd still have a lifetime of failure behind me that I see far too much more clearly than I see the successes...
Now having faced this truth... I am trying to look more consciously for something positive... to be more forgiving of other people and of myself even...
I know that for a long time I went down down down after Cara died. Some of it was due to illness I had before Cara died... I have fought depression my whole life... Its a lot more than just depression actually... I do not know why from a very young age I felt basically that I wasn't good enough... that pretty much everyone thought bad things about me... Its just something that happens to some people... I'm past thinking I'll be healed in this life... I'd just kind of like to know why... what thought processes does my mind have that causes me to be so sad and mad... If its the crap that happened in childhood... why was my reaction to basically hate myself... even more than I think others did...
I'm not telling you all this to make you feel pity for me... but because I know from your writing you fight yourself like I do. The psychologist I see now diagnosed me just a little over 2 years ago with dysthymia... I have had a number of diagnoses over the years... and in one way naming it doesn't matter... but it helped in some part....
I had never been comfortable with the initial Bipolar diagnosis... I never had many highs... some but not many... and few really manic highs but then they came up with the Bipolar II diagnoses... that is for those people who seem to have mostly the lows
but I never heard about the propensity to have a negative self image that the description of dysthymia talks of... anyway when I read up on dysthymia... the description seems to be the most comprehensive for me... and so it was somewhat of a comfort to feel like I had a name for what's wrong...
I think I may have shared this info with you before... My reason for sharing it today... is if you cut off your 2 lifelong friends maybe because they couldn't comfort you and maybe a little less than kind... maybe its got more to do with you than them... I find it frustrating that family and I have few friends can't understand how starkly painful my life is... so full of sadness because I just hate how things are... but I do understand better when I consider in all fairness that I doubt I'd understand so well this hell if I wasn't living it and my life isn't all hell... but the part that is... colors all the rest...
Much of my life has been tainted by my illness... I acknowledge that if Cara were alive and doing wonderfully... I'd still be fat... I'd still be getting old... I'd still have a lifetime of failure behind me that I see far too much more clearly than I see the successes...
Now having faced this truth... I am trying to look more consciously for something positive... to be more forgiving of other people and of myself even...
Replies
Good for you. Truly. Now, I will pray that you look forward into your future. Consider the bumps (I have kazillions) not failures, but lessons. Not many of us learn on the mountaintop, but in the valleys. I find you to br brilliant and introspective. Both are wonderful qualities. That is my diagnosis...love you, Lauri
Hi Elissa, My husband is diagnosed with Dysthymic Disorder. He said he feels like he \"has had it\' all his life. Antidepressants have helped him. And it did help him to have a name to how he has felt all these years. May you begin to feel better too. Love to you and dearest Cara, Linda
I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression (is that not the same as Dysthymic?) in 1992 shortly after the SSRI\'s started coming on the market. I was amazed how taking one little pill made such a difference in my life. I remember thinking often that I wished there were SSRI\'s when my kids were young, I would have been a better mother if there were. My career took off like a rocket ship after I got onto Zolft. Well ever since I was diagnosed I\'ve been taking medication on and off -- mostly on. Now since I have progressive neuropathy I\'m taking Cymbalta and Trazodone. Seems to be working pretty good now. I was having a real bad low a few weeks ago. You all know about that.
Just want you to know you are not alone and I completely understand the regrets that this disease brings with it.
Tight hugs Elissa.
Terry
It\'s difficult to turn the chanel in our brains, to let go of the coil of defeat and disaster. It can be done, it can be disciplined, sent back to the corner of the brain with a dunce cap. Visualize a way to interrupt the negative and cross over to how many people who have loved you, whom you\'ve loved, and how lucky you are that the hands work, the mouth, the brain. I couldn\'t talk for a few days, it was awful! No one knew what I wanted, needed. We have our mouths, and here, we have our fingers and eyes. Some of this is wanting happiness in our lives and others......my kids need to model more \"lightness\" as we all age.
The death of my eldest son, Jacob, five years ago, has forced me to look upwards, to hold my own against the tunnel of depression...grief work, body work, chemical help, therapy, all the help I\'ve been able to have and give, The name of this illness: life. Love, abby
Thanks for posting this Elissa. I think Dysthmia runs in our family. Andrew suffers with depression and his symptoms sound similar. He is depressed, has anxiety and is easily angered. He is very bright and creative. Lisa to suffered from depression - she had highs where she also showed creativity. As a result, she did a lot of things - she did cake decorating, jewellery making, soap and spa products, had her own spa business, worked with the elderly, was office manager for a health care organization etc. And of course I have been on antidepressants for most of my life. My mom suffered from depression too.
I am not too crazy about naming some problems. People can treat you differently, depending on the label. But I do like dysthmia better than bipolar. Either way, it is a struggle. And losing our precious children just makes matters worse. We are on the road together.
Tight hugs, Marlene
Sending you a hug!!!! Peace, Kathy
Elissa, by sharing this, you helped me to see myself from a distance, and now I have a better perspective about myself and my situation. It is not me, but the depression! I still am the same person, but the depression took complete control of my life and caused this huge Tsunami!
I agree with Abby, this is LIFE! Only some people seem to be more resistant to its devastation than others. But now that I understand it better, I feel better. I found my \"start here\" button from where I can proceed on this journey to cope with it and control it much better.
Loving hugs!! xxx
Life is a constant teacher! I know you have helped me with your advice and telling me your stories! Just wanted to pop in and say, I care! Sending love...
Elissa, thank you for this very insightful journal. I also see myself in what you have written about.
I have cut off a couple of cousins and a friend after my son died. They continued to reach out on occasion, but I have not allowed them back into my life. I\'m not even sure why. I was just always so very angry in the beginning. I wanted my intense pain to be understood. I know now of course that it\'s not possible unless they actually walked this path. And I think that now after these past 5 years, I don\'t even know if I want to invite them back into my life. Maybe I feel guilty. You\'re right about being more forgiving especially of ourselves.
It\'s food for thought. I just don\'t think I\'m there yet, if that makes any sense.
I am looking forward to this upcoming retreat, meeting you and having a peaceful time with my SOTH. Take care!
Love and hugs,
Diane