I wish I could find hope that it will be different... that I won't find the times when I struggle coming back and back again... but that's not my experience... they come back...  things I said I'd never let myself feel...  like not being angry with Cara... I thought I wasn't and wouldn't be... but today I was talking to her... I talk to her often... most every day... and today I was singing some while doing dishes... and then I realized I was feeling almost peaceful... almost... happy...  and I felt almost guilty... and then a bit defiantly angry... and I told Cara... 'yes... sometimes even though you died... and I am struggling to remember exactly what you looked like... and to remember how my life was when you were here...  to feel the deep overwhelming love...  I'm mad and I'm sad... but sometimes... I have moments when I'm happy... and I wonder if I would have felt a lot of this if you hadn't died... because I'd still be getting older... I'd still be having a lot of the problems health etc that I'm having now... I don't know if we'd be close... life changes... you know how it all is... the mind babbling endlessly... and somehow I pick up and go on... and its not good or bad... it just is... 

Replies

biowoman
biowoman

I think your are honestly feeling what you feel and it is ok. We move in and out if emotions and deal with things and REDEAl with them. Cara can handle whatever mom needs to feel. Love and gentle hugs.
l8gra
l8gra

There is no right or wrong way to deal with what we have lost in our lives. There is no rule book to follow or a timetable that tells us when it is and when it isn\'t okay to feel what we are feeling. Bottom line is we are all human and we deal with our situations in whatever way it takes to get through from minute to minute. Smile when you can and savor those moments, cry or be angry in those times when nothing else will cleanse your soul...just try not to linger in that place. You are loved and your words are dear to so many of us. Love and hugs...Lynn
ter1
ter1

Elissa I hear you. I don\'t know what life would be like if Jason had not committed suicide but just as you do I suspect a lot of what makes me sad would still be here, but now when I am sad all I can think of is how much I miss him. It trumps all other reasons.

Sending tight hugs,
Terry
Missinglisa
Missinglisa

Hi Ellssa! I often wonder what life would be like if Lisa were still on this earthly plane. Your feelings are normal. I used to feel incredibly guilty when I was happy, but am okay now with feeling joy. But I do feel sad that I can\'t call her to tell her the events of the day. I am glad you talk to Cara. It is okay to tell her how you feel, whether it is happy, sad, angry (even with her) - whatever is in your mind. I write Lisa letters to telll her what is going on and how I am feeling. Do whatever you need to do to my friend.
Wishing you many more moments of peace and happiness.
Love and tight hugs,
Marlene
Andelene
Andelene

I agree with you, Elissa, sometimes life is not good or bad, it just is! I miss my little Colleen so very much! But at times I think about the last 7 years of her life...... how her health slowly deteriorated......how tired and hopeless I felt at times.......how much she suffered.....! And I know that she is free from all that suffering now, but I miss her so much!! The more I try to make sence of it all, the more confused my emotions get. I guess there just aren\'t any clear answers.

Big hugs to you, my friend! xxx
jmk1973
jmk1973

I understand !! My emotions are all over the place, on a daily basis. It is okay to sing & feel happy. I don\'t think Cara or my Dean would want us to be miserable, for the rest of our lives. I have not felt happiness in such a long time. I only hope to find myself and learn how to live this life I am left with. Alone & without my son.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no time table. As you said, \"it is what it is\".
(((((HUGS)))) Julia
MomofJosh
MomofJosh

Oh yes, you said it all perfectly. The conversations in my head wander back and forth too. Love you and many hugs!
Januaryice
Januaryice

((((((((((Ellissa)))))))))))) I hear you loud and clear. I\'m angry a lot of the times too. I\'m angry about being lied to about her \"supposed sobriety\" by her own Grandmother and even her. Although , I\'m well aware of how addicts lie. 1 week prior to her death we were bowling and went out to dinner and I said how proud I was that she had 1 year sobriety. I remember the beautiful smile she gave me. (The last smile.. big sigh) And I had bought her a beautiful Daughter bracelet which arrived after her death. And Yes, I\'m angry as hell most days, at myself, for believing her and others for enabling her and She for again, lying to me. She had so much to live for and literally threw it all away . Taking life and herself for granted hurts my heart and soul on a daily basis. All we ever do from the time they are born is protect them from bad things, bad people, getting hurt in any ways, getting sick in any way and even Catching a darn cold. But I\'m mosty hurt that we\'ll never see each other, laugh together, act silly together, and I miss kissing her sweet cheeks and hearing her voice /laughter so bad , She . Was . My. World. ((((((((((((Justine )))))))))))))))))
JaniceS
JaniceS

Elissa,,,, how hard it is... sometimes we find ourselves singing and feeling happy. Sometimes it bothered be how i could sing while there was so much pain. Then i read somewhere that singing is also self comforting. Anger is always a component of losing someone, whether anger at yourself, at the person, or at others involved. You are brave. you are doing the best you can do. Love Jan x x x x
Abotsd
Abotsd

It\'s always just under my skin. One level down, a little scratch, and the sadness slips out. Life is full of distractions, Thank G-d, but we are never far from tears. Yes, we are tremendously changed. None of us will ever be the same. A promise, inherent in life, has been broken. No child shall die before their parent. But there it is, and we live with it. Sending a soft hug, love, abby
laurim45
laurim45

Something tells me that you are not the only babbler.