Todays not a great day... My mind is going down painful paths... I was wondering if any of you ever feel almost angry at your child... how could he or she have died... stupid thoughts.... maybe they're right... maybe some people just won't let themselves be helped... so we should quit trying... I really don't believe that... but I've heard it plenty of times... even before Cara died... when I was trying desperately to get help for her... whether she wanted it or not... a cop told me that my daughter was dead... Cara as I had known her he meant... he was trying to force me to accept that I could not help Cara... that she was lost to us forever... dead... and so now she is.... and so do I need to quit wondering if I should say I had a daughter who was named Cara... all in the past tense.... or should I say I have a daughter named Cara.... sometimes you wonder is this the day when I just can't handle it any more... No I'm not suicidal... I almost wish I were... I'm too sane... but oh I am tired...
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Believe it or not I was angry just a tad with my first son Jesse for going there in the first place and 2 brothers murdered him. It was not his fault but the pain, the suffering and the shock did lead me to be angry at him but the anger quickly subsided. I also got mad at my son Justin for accidently having an adverse drug reaction because I knew he was playing around with pain pills even though his Dr. prescribed them after he broke his femur. He should have been off that stuff a long time ago, his femur was healed at the time. I think it is a normal feeling that comes with grief. I still have many down days myself just thinking that I lost my only 2 son\'s and have no more future with them and that thought also angers me at times. All in all, I miss and love the two of them and just wish none of this ever happened but it did and I am on a long and lonely journey. Hugs to you today! XOX, Debbie
Feeling the heaviness dear Elissa and what you describe I have felt and do feel as well. I often wonder if our children can begin to know our anguish and sorrow over our loss?? I believe they take full responsibility for their actions and can see now what they could not while earth side. The ripple effect is forever and some moments, days... Just bring us to our knees.
I will always say that I have a son, named Douglas, because he reminds me that he is ever present in my life now. Everyone must decide what feels the most authentic and healing for them.
Our children suffered from an insidious disease and as their mothers we could never stop hoping and praying, yet the work was for them to do. No matter how much we begged or pleaded we could not change the outcome of their paths. I will never understand this ever and I have to consciously stop myself when my mind becomes that hamster on the wheel going around and around and around.
Cara knows YOU never gave up on her and my son knows too and some days that\'s the heart string that I hold onto. I hope you are able to hold onto that as well.
Grateful you came here to share and understanding with all of my heart your thoughts.
Just this moment and day and prayerful for a more gentle one on the horizon for you.
With you and caring,
Hugs, Joanie
Oh Alissa, I so know your words and demons! No, my son did not take his own life (sort of) but the choices he made (he was an adult) lead up to his death. The words that you quote above are coming from people who truly don\'t understand, have never walked in your shoes and have nothing more helpful to say.
Angry at Jason. Hmmm. Sort of but there\'s more respect for him in the fact that he was an adult who made his own decisions, just as I am, and you are. The fact that you find yourself angry at Cara, to me is HUGE! It\'s ok!!! Simply as Mothers we want what we believe to be the best for our children.
To have to witness them purposely putting themselves in harms way pisses us off! Period! For you to be able to recognize your anger is very, very healthy!
I can not answer your question in regards to past or present tense. I state emphatically that I have two children. (Jason and my daughter Chase). For me, almost immediately after Jason\'s death I had to use the past tense with him, and almost as quickly found myself vomiting when I did. That passed over a six month period. Who\'s screwed up? Me? Ya think?
No, you are not suicidal but as I\'ve stated, if anyone has the right to be it\'s a mother who\'s lost a child. And tired? Holly crap. It takes every ounce of our energy just to breath some days. It\'s ok. It seems to be the outside forces, like the cop that stated to you that Cara was dead that do not in any way help this lifelong journey and put even more pressure on us to be \"normal\". They have no way of understanding and we truly don\'t want them to.
And we come here and we vent and we cry and we scream and we are understood and hugged.
I understand dear friend,
(((hugs))) Merrilee
Elissa,
You simply miss your child with your whole being.
I found reasons to be angry at Daren--he should have not been on the job that day...he worked for someone who was ill on that crew...he should never have jumped into that truck...if his pa was .2 points higher (due to him being late on an assignment) he would have been accepted to the college he applied for and at school not working...I could find many reasons for being angry at him, but it all came down to \"how dare you die and leave me to all of this missing, pain and anguish\"...then of course those feelings melted and then I found a multitude of things to be angry at myself about...fact be told, I still go there....
(((((understanding & heart-string hugs)))))
AnnM
My therapist once asked me if I was mad at Jared for taking such a risk with his life. It was a combination of oxycodone and alcohol that ended his physical life. i had to seriously think about this because I didn\'t really know for sure. But as I reflected on this, I realized that he didn\'t do this to hurt me or his father or sisters. He would never have wanted that. But Jared never really thought of the possible consequences of his negative actions. I think he thought he was immortal. I resolved that my intense and unconditional love for Jared had no place for anger toward him.
I was simply angry at everything, not anything in particular. I still feel that way some times, but am learning how to cope with and reprogram these feelings. I think that these feelings of anger and fatigue and more, are all part of the grief process and journey we are going through.
I still say that I have a son named Jared because I believe that his spirit is alive and his energy is part of my heart, mind and soul. But that is my belief, and we are all uniquely individual in our beliefs and the ways that we grieve.
Elissa, may your days ahead leading up to your dear Cara\'s 8th year date be as peaceful and gentle as possible.
Big hugs,
Diane
Oh Elissa. I hear you. I had brief periods of feeling angry with Lisa. But it occurred to me that it was not really her I was mad at. It was the whole thing, including our society, her husband etc etc. I was mad at me because as her mother I should have done more.
The feelings you feel are normal. They are neither good nor bad. They just ARE. And we deal with them the best we can. With the anger, I scream and throw things, or go for a walk (the walk is the healthier choice).
And, in my opinion Cara is and Lisa is. They are together and we will be with them when our time is right.
Love and huge hugs,
Marlene
Of course we are angry, why did they have to die? How can we not be angry. We miss them, love them, hate them and forrgive them. Why must we suffer this pain? My son, Jacob, never told his wife that his heart had stopped once. Oh my friend, a tight hug, and yes, I understand. Love, Abby
Elissa, I totally understand your anger.I scream, that life is just not fair! Cara should still be here! Dean should still be here ! We want our child and nothing will ever change that ! I say that I have three children. A daughter, a stepdaughter and a son, who has passed away.He is and forever will be, my child!
I am so sorry, that you are going into a depression. I have been doing the same. Tonight, I had Bunko at my house. All the cooking & cleaning has just about killed me. I am so tired, all of the time. It took everything I had in me, to pull it off. Thank God, I wont have to hostess it again, until next year, about this time. My back and hip is killing me. I am going to stay in bed tomorrow and do nothing ! I hope you have a better day. Take care of yourself, my friend...
((((HUGS))))....Julia
Elissa I\'m so sorry. Yes I\'ve been mad at Jason for dyeing - for taking his own life, it usually passes quickly. There are no words that can change how we feel, just have to get through the hard times and look for better days.
Big hugs,
Terry
I\'ve never been angry at Kala, but know with my whole heart if the circumstances had been different.....I most likely would be right there with you.
I\'m so sorry my friend....for all of it. Just too much to ask any heart to handle.
You are doing all you know to do for your healing and your sanity and your life....what more is there?
I wish you peace and joy as you continue your journey.