I used to write every day.... sometimes several times a day.... my mind was so full of thoughts and I was so grateful for this place to put them and to get other people's thoughts...  for a long time I haven't been writing so much....  I notice a lot of us are like that... What happened?  Are we feeling better....  I don't think I am not particularly.... actually at times it seems like things are worse...  I am at a point where I'm just waiting....  and I am sometimes so angry I could scream and cuss for hours...  but what for.... nothing is going to change...  Sometimes I'm so scared....  I've been up and down on the, Is there a God question.....   Part of me says definitely yes.... I have felt him in my life long before now.... and part of me says why... why if there is a God do so many bad things happen....  Losing my daughter was near the top of all the bad things that could happen to me....  but that's just for me personally... and Cara's husband and children... her brother and his family....   but the whole world is full of pain... and i don't understand why....  A gentleman and I were talking recently.   He was giving me a ride to go pick up our car... Richard's sugar had gone low while at the doctor's office and they sent him home in a medical transport van... On Joor Rd we passed the place where his son was killed in a car accident...    I am always wondering when does it get better...  ( I know Kathy... you've tried to help me... to explain... that it never goes away but it gets easier... the ups and downs though continue... over and over like a broken record...)   He told me that basically it is just something you have to live with... It happened 20 years ago....  and he still hurts...  sometimes like it was yesterday....  So as sorry as I am to hear it... I'm grateful to know I'm not a muling cry baby... or if I am.... so are we all... and does it matter... probably not...   <>tJust thought I'd share what's on my mind so if you're struggling with the same thoughts you'll know once again...  We're all doing the same thing from time to time... Hugs Elissa