I used to write every day.... sometimes several times a day.... my mind was so full of thoughts and I was so grateful for this place to put them and to get other people's thoughts... for a long time I haven't been writing so much.... I notice a lot of us are like that... What happened? Are we feeling better.... I don't think I am not particularly.... actually at times it seems like things are worse... I am at a point where I'm just waiting.... and I am sometimes so angry I could scream and cuss for hours... but what for.... nothing is going to change... Sometimes I'm so scared.... I've been up and down on the, Is there a God question..... Part of me says definitely yes.... I have felt him in my life long before now.... and part of me says why... why if there is a God do so many bad things happen.... Losing my daughter was near the top of all the bad things that could happen to me.... but that's just for me personally... and Cara's husband and children... her brother and his family.... but the whole world is full of pain... and i don't understand why.... A gentleman and I were talking recently. He was giving me a ride to go pick up our car... Richard's sugar had gone low while at the doctor's office and they sent him home in a medical transport van... On Joor Rd we passed the place where his son was killed in a car accident... I am always wondering when does it get better... ( I know Kathy... you've tried to help me... to explain... that it never goes away but it gets easier... the ups and downs though continue... over and over like a broken record...) He told me that basically it is just something you have to live with... It happened 20 years ago.... and he still hurts... sometimes like it was yesterday.... So as sorry as I am to hear it... I'm grateful to know I'm not a muling cry baby... or if I am.... so are we all... and does it matter... probably not... <>tJust thought I'd share what's on my mind so if you're struggling with the same thoughts you'll know once again... We're all doing the same thing from time to time... Hugs Elissa
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i dont think the pain and tears will ever stop...im walking beside ya
You took the words right out of my mouth...and the feeling right out of my heart. No, it will never go away. But it is like living with my endo and arthritis; it will become a part of me. There will be days when I hurt..and will complain....but it isn\'t going to change anything. Sending you lots of hugs...as Diana says, we are all walking beside you. love, lana
Elissa,
I only like to journal when I feel I have something to add. I know some people write almost daily and that works for them.
We never will completely get over losing our kids and why should we. I don\'t think that should be a goal because it is not atttainable.Time will help, if we allow it, to come up with different ways of coping with our loss. My son has been gone for over 17 months and I miss him as much today as the day i found him dead. The difference now is that I have given myself permission to move on with my life. I have come up with plans to move forward. Having said that I still have moments where I cry out of the blue and sometimes I still wish I was dead. Most of the time I am ok and I know that Richard would not want me to wither away, he wants me to live.
You have a question about God. God gave us free will he did not make any of these things happen to us. Our children made poor choices and God is hurting as much as we are. When we cry he cries with us, when we question his existence he loves us,there is not one moment of our time on this earth that God is not walking beside us. Hugs, Inga
I hear you my friend. I\'ve been up and down and sideways so many times...too many times to count. I think I\'m strong and doing ok, then wham! It\'s like a freight train hit me straight on. And the anger, well you\'ve seen my tirads. There\'s no logic to it, no logic to me. It\'s all bizarre behavior. Even those \"strong\" moments....I mean really, isn\'t that bizarre? I can bury a child and be \"strong\"....silly thought. And God???? You don\'t want to get me started. There are SO many different thoughts/views floating around in my head/heart/spirit. It\'s all so confusing because it\'s all so ..... unbelieveable....so unreal....so heartbreaking. But I think we survive because we have no choice. And the reality (my reality) is we must force ourselves to live in peace, in comfort, in happiness. I think it\'s a conscience decision we have to make everytime we wake up and every hour we are awake. I tell myself over and over \"choose to smile\". Not that it always works, heck you know better than that, but it\'s a starting point. The pain of not having Kala here in the flesh will never leave me. But I do have a choice as to what I will do with that pain every day I remain on this earth. I must choose to honor Kala, to make her proud. I must choose to live the best life I possibly can, for Kala, but even more so, for myself. I say more so because my Kala is safe, free, happy and living in infinite love. I have to choose life for me because I\'m not there yet. I hope you will always know that I love you and treasure your friendship. I want only to encourage and lift you up. I hope I\'ve helped in some small way. I\'m here. I care.
Smiling with Kala,
Teri
I have found that finding some laughter, no matter how twisted some of it can be, has helped me keep the tears at bay...to keep me from chewing on my loss so much...it is always is there, will never go away because of who he was to me...how much we loved one another. I can\'t pathom the loss of a child as I have said before, so I just want to say to you my dear friend, that I do think you are doing very well considering who you have lost...sweetie, you are still here among us, plugging along for your family, for Cara, for yourself...and that shows the strength that you have inside of you although I am sure you don\'t see or feel your own strength, but I am here to tell ya, you have got it! You amaze me....you have made me see things that I never could have....you have taught me things that I did not know....you let me into your life and allowed me to be your friend....you let me get to know Cara. You have told her story so eloquently and made me feel as though I have known her all my life...you are a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL person....so I NEVER EVER want you to kick yourself for feeling what you do...you ARE a mom who has suffered and endured one of the greatest losses of them all....YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO FEEL, TO CRY, TO SAY WHAT EVER THE HELL YOU WANT TO....YOU ARE ELISSA....CARASMOM...YOUR HEART IS BROKEN...SO DON\'T EVER FEEL BAD FOR FEELING THE WAY THAT YOU DO....GOT IT? :o) Yes...I raised my voice there....but not in anger....I love you too much to yell at you...just want to let you know I care so much about you! Thank you for helping me through my loss...you have been a savior to me! I LOVE YOU WOMAN......\"I AM WOMAN....HEAR ME ROAR!\".....sorry, don\'t know where the hell that one came from...lmao...see? twisted humor once again....HUGS, Kat
PS: It is ok to feel good too!
((((Elissa)))) nope, not feeling better here, just quiet of late...happens from time to time, seems I\'ve the need to regroup and reflect, spend some time with my grief. And yes, I suspect it will always be that way, that we will always be just a single thought from that moment when it happened. Take good care of you. Love you.
We all wear these shoes as my poem on my page says....once you put them on you can\'t ever take them off.......it\'s gonna hurt but at least we all have each other to lean on and get through the really bad times