Actually there are some things I probably should have done... but I didn't know about them at the time...  and the result might have been no different...   I am desperately sorry I didn't come home from work... I didn't leave work and go home because my boss had cancer... and I knew on the weekend when I was at work was mainly when he could rest...  It was too busy during the week and the calls on his time too many... but the weekend he could take it easier...  chemo therapy take a lot out of a person... and if a person doesn't rest they can stop the medicine from doing as much as it could because their physical health is so compromised... so I felt like I had to stay at work...   In light of Keith letting me go because of the increasing cost of the health insurance... probably occassioned by his cancer and my health problems.... I am even more embittered... I have never told him how bad he hurt me... He probably wouldn't care... It was a business decision as he told me... Seems like in business people excuse the most inhuman conduct.... You know its terrible of me... but I know how much he loves his kids and sometimes I wish one of them would die so he can see how much it hurts...  If you want to hurt someone... don't kill them... kill their kids... If you asked me which I'd rather... I'd rather be dead than for Cara to have died... Her kids need her... she needs to live her life... I'm older... I raised my kids... and I've had plenty of life... I got off track... I'm still trying to explain why I didn't go home...   Cara had told me that the EMS people had said she could wait up to 6 hours to get the stitches so I thought I had time... but Cara was devastated by what Michael had done to her...   I guess she was fearful too...  I have been the subject of physical abuse and I can tell you it does things to your mind....  One part of you is mad enough to want to kill someone... other parts are terrified...  It hurts to have someone hit you hard enough to tear skin...  I try so hard to understand that Michael lost it... but sometimes I wish I could hit him over and over like that and let him know how it feels.... He's so big... over 200 lbs around 6' tall... and she was only  130 lbs 5'5".... but part of me thinks I keep this anger because I want some explanation of why... someone to blame... so I try to stifle it... right now... I'm not trying to stifle anything...    Then Richard came in... and he was having a seizure... Cara was probably scared that he was mad at her and that she wasn't even going to have a place to stay... He can barely function when he has a seizure... and the only thing that seems to help is to lie down for a couple of hours and let it pass... so he went straight to his room... and then later when Cara was trying to tell me how she felt like Richard didn't even care he cussed her... because he can't handle being blamed for anything... She doesn't understand that about him...  I have lived with him and do know that he too has self esteem issues... I feel like once again I have to revisit these things... maybe I can find some peace...  Sometimes I think about things other people have written and I'm stunned... I used to wonder how could anyone ever imagine that their child is just on vacation or something and that tomorrow or the next day they will come waltzing through the door and all of this will be like a bad dream.... but today I understand... because I so bad do not want Cara to be dead.... what I don't understand is why is it worse all of a sudden... I've already passed the one year milestone... I've felt like I could actually live with this pain... but then it comes back... and maybe its my fault.... because I'm not forcing the memories out of my mind... I don't know... I don't even care... I just have to go through this... <>I had to come back and add this... A friend on loving arms had posted this and it is so on target I just had to add it...    "It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year—Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry."Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands. "Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4)."I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen.