<>I have not been on line very much.  I have been going through once again wondering why, how, what could I have done...  I guess it will always be that way at times...  Its so useless but seems like I can't stop myself...   I think it was August that we got Cara to go to Riverwest... a detox facility... that was her second and last time there...   I had been praying for Cara for several years... I guess we are always praying for our children... At times they make such bad choices we fear for their lives with almost every breath... and we never take a deep breath because somehow its as if we're always waiting...  Whenever Cara was out of contact it was worse... I would be so tense my insides hurt... and when I finally knew where she was I could breathe a little... but not too deep... because I was still waiting... From April to August Cara was at the Tau Center twice and Riverwest twice for detox... they kept her at the Tau Center for 5 days each time... Riverwest 9 days... and ARRNO for twenty days...  I never really realized how much time she was in a facility... I even had her at Greenwell Springs Hospital for about a week I think...   She really wasn't as tough as she liked to make out... She would call me and I would run to try... to try what... anything... I really should have tried harder to get her into long term care...  The problem was that she couldn't handle any time between the detox and the long term care... She wanted to go to long term care... She knew she needed it...  but I think the key was that she needed to go straight from detox to long term care...   One of the reasons I keep going back in my mind wondering... It felt like things were truly looking up...   Sunday evening October 22, 2006, Richard and I  were at RCIA when John called.  He was mad and worried.  Cara had called.  He was mad because he knew as we all did that Cara's living choices were putting her in terrible danger... and of course he was sad because no matter how much he thought she should do better and resented the pain and worry she was causing... he loved her... I left RCIA early and went home so I'd be by the phone in case Cara called.  She did not call.  On Monday October 23, 2006 Cara called me.   I was so glad to hear from her.  I worried all the time about Cara.  I had pictured her dead so many times.  It was a really awful time.  I know that there are many of you who have been in my shoes and know exactly how it feels.... but until the day that you hear your child is dead.. you hope... and oh God how I hoped... After getting out of Riverwest she took off with some people she met through people at Riverwest... this is often the case I've been told... that rehab is a great place to hear about where to go when you get out to get high...   We had finally gotten a long term placement for Cara.  It wasn't a hospital which was what I believe Cara really needed.   It was kind of like a rehab program.  She had to have her kids with her to be eligible.  I really didn't like the idea of my grandkids going there but if that was the only way they would take Cara Ben had agreed in the hopes that maybe it would even be good for the kids because they would receive counseling at the same time.   While she was at Riverwest Cara kept in touch with the people at Claire House.  They told her she had to have paperwork for her and the kids... Social Security cards, birth certificates, and shot records.  I have wished so many times they would have contacted us to get those things.  She really did intend to go to Claire House... I didn't know what day Cara was getting out of Riverwest.  I waited all day Monday for her to call but she never did.  I worked Tuesday.  On Wednesday I called and found out she'd gotten out Monday and that Ben's sister Jamie had picked her up and brought her back to Houma. Cara picked up some money Ben had left for her and the kids when they'd go to Claire house...  Giving a drug addict or alcoholic money is stupid!!!  I never said  anything to Ben because what was done was done and because I know Ben was trying to do what he could.  He'd had to go offshore and he'd left the money with his sister for Cara.   Cara did get some paperwork for the kids.  She couldn't get some of the stuff that day and later that day the druggie friends from New Orleans showed up and Cara went back to New Orleans with them. I want to write about this again so maybe it will quit haunting me... I am tired of writing today... and you are probably tired of hearing... sorry... so I will write more later...  As sad as I am it is not as bad as it was in the beginning... and while I feel sad... that is a reasonable thing to feel... I miss my daughter... and I know I don't have to explain to you...  cause you all miss your babies too....  anyway I'm ok...  I just want mostly to remember that last week... Things just seemed so much better than they had been in a long time... and then... for her to end up dead seems so unreal...  I wish yall could have been here for that last week... we had so many good moments...