I was responding to a friend's letter.  She was pretty sad and I so understand...  I often find comfort in even the sad things the other moms write because I know I'm not alone... Often people say things and I'm like wow... Sometimes I have to laugh although I may cry my eyes out first... I read a letter a friend wrote about the children who died by suicide or other self destructive behaviors... She said they were ill...  They were just as ill as if they'd had terminal cancer.  We couldn't have changed the outcome... I know those things... but still I've spent over a year now thinking if only I'd have or if only I hadn't... you know... those thoughts that chase around and around in your brain... like we could have caused or prevented it... I know deep inside Rea and her psychologist are right... seems like I'll recognize and accept it then I just let that knowing slip away... I've come to some conclusions... I'm going to have to take a greater responsibility in what I'm feeling... work a bit harder to be a bit more positive... not saying I'm not going to have down days... I am... but I'm going to try to say to myself..."this is a down day... and it will pass"  I'm going to try harder to do for myself what I would have wanted my loved ones to do if it was me who had passed...  I'm not going to love my mama or daughter less... I'm going to love them more by loving the person they loved... me... I'm going to get a dog and start getting out of the house and going for a walk every day... I'm going to keep loving my friends here and staying in touch... and that's enough goals for today... *Smile*   Loving You and Yours Elissa