I hope today is going better for you. I do know how rough it is... Like you I have many days that I feel like a car that's stuck in the mud... my tires spinning... we almost clear the hole and then our foot slips and we roll back down into it... The only thing I seem to be able to do right now is turn my mind to other things... I tried to explain to Richard last night how I feel that suddenly I understand from when I was younger I'd meet people who just seemed very sad and angry at the whole world... No matter how other people tried to include them they just kept themselves walled off... That's me in a way now... Only with yall can I talk... because you know and understand... I try with Richard and he does try to be there for me but I guess in a way I sometimes even resent that he wasn't Cara's father so how can he "get" it... Obviously its not a great day for me... I want to hear Cara's voice... I do dream about her sometimes but the dreams haven't been clear lately... I'm getting closer to a place I've heard and read about... where I'm afraid I'll forget her voice... where I won't see her face...<> Earlier in this miserable journey I didn't understand... I thought the time would never come that I wouldn't see and feel her just as clearly as I did in the beginning... Now I'm afraid... I am sorry to be dumping so much on you... I know you are having a painful journey of your own... Its just a really bad day...
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Elissa that is why it is so important to write everything down....all the little incidents....even the things you think unimportant. Then you can go back and visit them in your own words and the memories and the scents and the sounds all come back clearly like it was happening all over.
I think forgetting is everyone\'s fear. You don\'t...believe me .... you don\'t. Like I said a long time ago you start with the pictures and write everything you remember about that day before, during and after that picture. Somehow other memories are struck...write them down and keep the picture...what I did was scan the pics into word and write my memories around it that way the pic and story stayed together without taking it from the family album. From discussions on here memories are struck...write them down....save them. Colors, food, story books, clothes, smiles, looks, shoping trips, vacations, arguments. shoes...everything. Your journal may get thick but it will comfort you to reread and revisit.
Love Ya, Kathy
there are days when we must swim in the sorrow, the fear, the unhappiness, the anger, the guilt and the pain of our experiences. it does seem to be one of those days...or weeks...or months...thank God the year is almost over, so we can say, one of those years! I\'ll be happy to see it go. love you!
Elissa, I don\'t think you will ever forget Cara\'s voice. Just think of the times you sat at the kitchen table, coffee, smokes, whatever, it will be there, her voice, her face, her laughter, it will be there! I know I won\'t forget Shannon\'s voice, she was loud and she was funny, I will never forget, and you won\'t either. The holidays are killing me. Christmas music in the stores makes me cry, really. Yesterday it was Elvis singing I\'ll have a blue Xmas without you. There I was, by myself in the store with tears running down my face. People probably thought I was crying because I miss Elvis! I really wish I could drive right over to your house for some coffee and crying. Love you, Dianne
((((Elissa)))) I think one of our greatest fears is forgetting..but we don\'t. Our babies are in every fiber of our being, everything around us can bring back a memory. I find that when I am writing more memories come back, or if I look at a picture, so many things... Love you
you\'re not dumping. you\'re sharing your feelings; which is a good thing. when we\'re in a rut the first thing some of us do is close ourselves off to the world. Elissa, you have been there for me so many times. Today, \"let me have hope and faith for you. Let me carry you and God carries you\"; that\'s what my therapist says to me on days when i just can\'t do it. Richard will never understand or \"get it\". Neither will I. I hope he\'s at least letting you speak and get your feelings out. It might take him awhile. my husband. he\'s in therapy and he\'s finally realizing that he can\'t fix my broken heart; or change the past. he can only listen, be gentle and \"just be here\". Maybe if you look at Richard as that it might help? sorry, don\'t mean to lecture.... Here at DS we have so much pain. But i\'m realizing it\'s what we do with the pain which really counts. During the days and moments of sadness and despair, we just need to sit with it (yuck) and we lean on eachother. Cara will always be close to your heart; you will never forget her. sometimes you\'ll even be walking and get a sniff of her. be not afraid, just look at your hands ~ did she have your hands? Just remember to keep on going. You must. It\'s what she would have wanted. Besides, I can\'t do without you! Who\'s going to kick my butt when i\'m down and out? love you much!
We are all here for you. Yes, we experience much of the same, but it comes and goes at different times. When one is down, someone else is up and able to give support. What a blessed group this is. Rita
Elissa, you never truly forget the loved ones you have lost. I lost my Dad over 25 years ago (he was only 54) and to this day I still remember the sound of his voice, his little mannerisms, things we used to do together. With my Mum it is the same. I lost her 15 years ago and I still remember the same things about her. So no you never really forget. The memories just turn into bittersweet things for us and one day when we are all reunited with our loved ones I am sure that all the good times will still be there.
I know losing a child is sadder and feels so much harder but you will get to that place one day. Just hang in there - you will be reunited one day.
Love you heaps
Huge hugs
Roz.
you will not forget -- at times the pain, stress and grief dull our memories - Cara lives within you now, in your heart -- so each and every time you think you don\'t remember stop, take a minute and look inside yourself - SHE IS THERE. My love and prayers, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
Elissa,
Whenever my boys would call on the phone it always take several words for me to know which child it was. Richard would say hi Mom and get right to the point and Mitch would start talking the long version(lol). Anyways, my point is that I will always have Richards voice cause of his brother.I don\'t really feel worried about forgetting things about me son , the most important thing is that he is in my heart.Cara will be with you forever whether she is a little blurry or not.
Hugs, Inga