so today is better... I've read a couple of things I want to share... the first is the fortune for winning mahjong this morning is "a joyful reunion awaits your arrival"  and oh yes you know where my mind went... I'm not saying how long or how short... but to have that message... and I do believe it was a message gives me hope... once again... Hope is so fragile... so easily battered but I have to have hope... Anyway going to try to get ready and go to church... Kind of depends if I can stop crying... I won't go in the church crying... just can't do it... I'm embarassed already because several times I made it into the church but started crying once I was there... couldn't stop... had to leave... Anyway I am going to get ready and see how I feel....  Hugs All Elissa I wrote this 4 days ago... Please don't be sad... It will all come right in the end...  So this was a really bad day... and since I didn't want to bring anyone down with me I printed it in my journal but didn't open it... And then I went and hid for a few days... till I could pick myself back up... I was determined to put that picture up... See I look at that and remember how great things were... I mean I know how Cara was... and the person she became just a few short years later I can't understand... she changed like night and day... the last 4 years of Cara's life I got to see the Cara I knew only a few times... She was often in a stupor when she was on the pain pills... I didn't want to alienate her from me so mostly I didn't talk to her much... when I thought I could get her to listen I begged her to get help... It seemed like no one but me thought she was in serious trouble... and that includes Cara... she kept telling me that she didn't want anyone to know so she couldn't go for help... and then when she started thinking maybe she did need help she'd say that she couldn't go into a hospital because she needed to be home to take care of her kids... when I talked to Ben he too seemed to think she could do it on her own... I told them both that they wouldn't have to worry about her being there to take care of the kids if she didn't take care of herself because she'd be dead and he'd have to figure out how to get someone to take care of the kids full time not just for a few months... It wasn't till she went to drinking up to a half gallon of rum a day... and even then it took about a month for Ben to really get serious about getting help for her...  and then when he started trying to get help no one wanted to help... so... as I said... I look at her pictures of that time before it all went so terribly wrong and I wonder what happened...  You wouldn't have believed how smart and competent and caring a person Cara was... proud and beautiful... and then she was in a stupor... drunk... dressing cheap... she would walk for miles to get a drink... her feet covered with blisters and bleeding... her face bloated her eyes bleary... and I kept crying and praying... I know I shouldn't keep going over it again and again... but I just can't seem to stop...  I just keep trying to hang on to the good...  but when I leave the house all I can see is that last ride when I brought her to the hospital... night time is really hard when I leave the house... because it was just coming dark when we left and fully dark by the time we got to the hospital... I see the car lights and street lights... I hear us arguing... I kept begging her to just calm down... to let me bring her to the hospital... to let the doctors take care of her... and she kept saying she wanted to go home... and then she'd say she was going to leave... I almost wish we had just gone home... It would have left a scar maybe... but who cares about a scar... damn....  Nobody wants to talk to me anymore... I don't blame them... I really should erase this... it doens't help anyone... Cara tells me that... but sometimes whether I want it to or not... this is where my mind goes... where to be honest I believe it will always go from time to time...