So yesterday I started to write an entry... I posted a picture that I had added to my pictures... because I wanted to share it with everyone... and for some reason I hit the enter button to write below it and everything disappeared... I arrowed down to try to find it... no luck... hit save journal entry in hopes it would be there... It wasn't... and I was aggravated so I left it... till today and now I've deleted... Yall could have thought with my blank journal entry I was saying something significant and I wouldn't want that... but it could have happened.... there's a famous art work... It might be by Mondrian... which is nothing but a blank canvas... duh..... why didn't I think of that.... I should have kept my blank journal entry and called it Ode To The Silent Heart.... Awwwwwww isn't that pretty...... Grrrrrrrrrrr LOL
and here's the picture I was trying to upload...
Bottom left is T'Ben... See Cara holding his hand... that's the only way she could keep him still Top left is Cara... next to her is Ben... That's Ginger next and standing in front of her is Amber... Woody is sitting in the chair holding Elizabeth... The year is 1997... I'm not sure of the month but Elizabeth was born August 12, 1997 and she's till very tiny... the sunshine makes me think its probably within a month or two of Elizabeth's birth... I am taking the picture... Anyway if you could feel the longing inside of me for that time again... Don't we all have moments we wish we could call back... I so do too... as the song says... Oh how I long for yesterday... Anyway I wanted to share those memories with yall...
Anyhoo... obviously I'm in a chatty mood today... speaking of chatty.... They're bringing back the Chatty Cathy Dolls... Maybe they'll bring Susie Smart back... I had a Susie Smart Doll... My poor mama paid for it $1 a week... that's how she had to do it... She was as single mom at the time... That was the early 60s and it was tough! Thank you mama... most of all for the love that drove you to work as hard as you did to see that we had what we needed and some of what we just wanted...
I had a dream this morning about a premonition... I had a premonition that somehow I knew that Cara was going to be shot the next day at her job...and so I called her and begged her not to work the next day... but she felt like I was being foolish and said they needed her and she wasn't going to let a stupid premonition dictate to her whether to go to work or not... I felt strongly that it was going to happen and was actually thinking about suicide to avoid having to live through her dying... boy can yall identify or what... We all know how bad that moment when we heard was... how it still haunts us... crap!!! even thinking about it hurts.... so to contemplate suicide to avoid it in a dream is not abnormal in my mind... but I found that I still want to live... and I really didn't want to commit suicide... I woke up before the next day came in my dream... I think the dream was trying to tell me a couple of things... One... the instinct to survive is very strong... and that's good or we'd all be like lemmings throwing ourselves into the sea... and Two... What will happen is going to happen... (I know Cara wasn't shot... that has nothing to do with how she died... it was just a dream but I think that dreams have meaning...) Anyway back to Two... I believe that if I could have saved her that morning that something else would probably have happened to take her... Is this healing... I don't know... It makes me sad... but I live with sad... just part of it... I also live with more positive feelings and those are the ones I have to work to strenthen...
I got on here to brag... dare I call it that... I'm feeling hopeful about the quitting smoking thingy... I have been down to 6 cigarettes a day for several weeks... but couldn't bring myself to go lower... I've been up for an hour now... and no cigarette... I've been saving one cigarette a day for in the mornings because I get up earlier than Richard and I hate the morning without a cigarette... I'm rich today though... I saved two cigarettes from yesterday... and I have no intention of smoking them up in a greedy smoke fest... I'm pushing to keep it down to 5 a day... then 4 a day... and then I want to just quit... because the rush you get off of 1 or 2 cigarettes a day is nauseating.... and its time to quit... They don't do one damn good thing for me... So yall pray for me please...
Off to read journals. Hugs Yall
Replies
I NEED TO QUIT SMOKING MYSELF....GLAD UR GONA DO IT...PROUD OF YOU
Congrats on cutting back so much! Your one step away from a smoke free life :) What a beautiful family photo, too. Such a nice family. I\'m sure dreams are a reflection of our hopes and fears during the day. Darned if I know what they mean though. I\'ve only had one of Jerry and it was a terrible one...what it means still puzzles me. *Hug* Adrianne
You are doing a fantastic job of quitting! Congrats!! What a great photo and such sweet memories...I wish we could all go back to those times too. I don\'t know what the dream means, I\'ve had several where I am trying to save my son and a few where the police are doing the notification...but it\'s different police each time and they keep coming back one after the other. I couldn\'t make sense of it, but then it is all senseless. (((love you)))
Elissa,
I am glad you are trying to quit smoking. When Richard died I started smoking like a chimney and I can feel it.There are phone lines you can call and they give you all kinds of advice and they are very helpful.i also went to a hypnotist and all those things were working real well until my son died. I think the day he died I smoked 3 packs and drank a lot.
Adorable family and thank you for sharing, Hugs, Inga
oh, and about yesterday\'s journal entry...i looked at it several times to see if I might be missing something, even thought perhaps you had chosen white as the print color...being creative and all...then I thought it was just a naked thing...very artistic and all...or that perhaps you wanted to express your emotions with just the blank slate and the emoticon...I went thru all manner of scenarios before finally deciding to leave a blank comment to match...did you notice?...could you tell it was mine? lol
my prayers are sent. love you, marianne
beautiful picture and family, wish I could crawl into some of mine too. Great on the quitting smoking, I quit last year, almost started again at Matthews passing and then summer came and I thought I could have just one, ha, you can\'t. I\'m going to try Chantix at the New year, there getting some really good results from it for really deep depression and I figure if one pill can help with both issues, sign me up. Good luck on your continued success, I\'m sure Cara is doubly proud of you. My love and prayers, Lynette ~ Matthews mom
hey Elissa, i\'m so very proud of you! don\'t beat yourself up about it. take it one step at a time.... like life. i really believe in what you wrote about the dreams and stuff. god just does these things sometimes. i have a couple songs i wanted to share with people. one a friend shared with me today. very good. and one i heard on the radio. very true with the holidays of grief and loneliness and sadness. love you always!