It has taken me several days to answer anything. I've been avoiding the internet. Most of the time I'm on here 3 to 4 hours a day or more... but actually I'm trying to break that habit... I am thinking about Thanksgiving and dreading it. I honestly don't want to cook for Michael and his girlfriend Mandy. You'll think I'm crazy but I think Cara has been trying to tell me something about Mandy since shortly after her death... One day out of the blue for no reason I heard Cara saying Mandy Mandy Mandy over and over... I kept trying to figure out what it meant... and since within a week or so after Cara's death I found some booze in the closet of Michael and Mandy's room I thought maybe Cara was telling me Mandy had given her booze that day... still I tried to accept things... Cara had gotten plenty of booze on her own... so how could I think that it was Mandy's fault that Cara is dead... You want to understand why... but I guess there is no understanding... About 3 months ago the phone started dinging a half ding around 10pm... sometimes it was a few minutes before... sometimes a few minutes after... I thought maybe Cara was trying to tell me she had tried to call home around that time... and yes I'm crazy... I can't seem to stop obssessing about it... I think maybe Cara tried to call home and Mandy talked to her and didn't tell me because she was ugly to Cara... and I honestly believe that's what happened... and so I'm sick inside... I so badly don't want to see her... I don't want to see Michael... I know its ugly... but if I could I'd go far away and never come back... I just can't figure it out... one time when it rang I tried to catch the phone quick... but its just a dial tone... because it didn't happen at the same time every night I don't think it is some kind of computer glitch causing the phone to ring... but then in recent weeks sometimes the phone doesn't ring... It bothered me when it rang... I thought damn it Cara if that's you say something... of course she can't talk on a phone... but maybe she could come to me in a dream... and I've tried to figure out why the phone has been ringing... and now I'm trying to understand why its not ringing every night... just sometimes... I think Cara is giving up on my understanding... So I wrote all this down hoping maybe you'd have some answers... Most likely you'll just think I'm crazy. Richard hears the phone ring so its not just in my head... He acts like he thinks it could be Cara... to humor me I think... I'm not crazy at all... I do think there are things that happen beyond our understanding... and if Cara has been trying to tell me something she's not at rest... and yet she told me that it was wonderful there... which is a enormous understatement in my mind for the fantastic place heaven is supposed to be... I just thought maybe she felt there weren't words to describe it... I just wish I had the nerve to tell Richard I'm not cooking... I was trying to be fair... no one could tell me my children couldn't be part of my life... I was trying to accept things... I have been... but as the day approaches where I'm going to have to be around them for more than a bit... I feel sick... Part of me wants to know if Mandy spoke to Cara... what did she say... why didn't she come get me... Is that why Cara is dead... She did call but Mandy fluffed her off and didn't tell me... so I didn't go get her... and she thought I didn't care... She knows different now... but it doesn't help... It probably would have been better if I hadn't written this but I really would like to hear what you think... besides that I'm crazy of course... but if that's what you think its ok... Sometimes I wish I were crazy and couldn't think and couldn't remember... I am sorry I know this is crappy but I'm so sad.. I'll be ok... but I just needed to write this out to help me deal with it... <>I do so wish there were an icon for sad.....
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Honestly, I have no idea how to interpret this, but I do have this one thought. I know everything Kala has given me, every sign, every word, every poem, every dream, everything, has brought comfort to me. Everything Kala has revealed has been happy and full of love. I think that is because that is all she is capable of, that\'s all they\'re all capable of now. I\'m not sure that anything which brings discomfort to us can truly come from our children. Maybe I\'m being naive, but that\'s what I think. I believe they are surrounded by love and only love, and love is all they can express to us....that\'s all that matters. But like I said, this is just what I \"think\", until I have crossed myself I won\'t know for sure. Maybe that helps a little, maybe not, but I hope so.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri
I would like to say that you are not crazy. You are sad and lonely for Cara. The only thing I can say is you should not cook if you dont want to. I am sure Richard would understand. Also for me when I have something bugging me from my gutt I have to follow through with it. I would ask Mandy and get it out in the open because what you are feeling may or may not be true but I am sure Mandy feels some tension so why not talk about it. Regardless the outcome at least it will be out. The holidays are going to be rough but we will get through them together. Just hang in here. HUGS
(((Elissa))) There\'s no rule that says you have to cook for Thanksgiving...if it\'s too much then just take care of you and skip the cooking this year...without the guilt. Whatever Cara may be trying to tell you with the ringing phone does not have to mean that she is unsettled...it\'s not an all black or white thing...could be just an \"I love you\" or \"hello, I\'m still around\" rather than meaning something disturbing. I think if you have strong suspicions of Mandy about a phone call that night that you could talk to her, or even have the phone company check your incoming calls for that night if it\'s possible. You might just ask her if Cara ever asked her for booze, kind of take the back door into the conversation. I know how hard it is to find any measure of peace when death was so sudden and when there was a failure of the system to protect and prevent. We go over and over the \"if only\'s\" and try to fix blame, to fix it all, it\'s a normal thing to do but we can\'t fix it and that is so hard to accept. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you moments of peace. (((love you)))
YOU\'RE CRAZY ALRIGHT! CRAZY WITH LOVE FOR YOUR DARLING DAUGHTER! MOST MAMA\'S ARE CRAZY WITH LOVE FOR THEIR KIDS NO HARM IN THAT. THE PHONE THING CAN BE WHAT EVER YOU NEED IT TO BE RIGHT NOW, YOU KNEW CARA BEST. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR CHILD WOULD BE TRYING TO SAY? OR COULD SHE JUST BE BEING PLAYFUL? YOU KNOW THAT ANSWER ELISSA. YOU\'LL FIND IT WHEN IT\'S TIME. JUST KNOW SHE LOVED YOU AND STILL DOES AND SO DO WE.